I think I left all my fucks in 2016

I’m still that girl: Emotional, sensitive, dramatic1; I haven’t changed, but something else has: I no longer want to change that part about me.

One day, as I turned the corner from an tea date this was on the ground and it was just the most perfect thing I could have happened upon

I used to. I used to want to try to be less emotional, less sensitive, less “dramatic”. Many people2 have called me dramatic over the course of my life. Many people have said that I’m too emotional, or too sensitive. They’re not wrong. It’s true: I am all those things; I feel things very strongly and I’ve never been good at hiding my feelings3. I’ve learned how to identify the right time and place for certain things, sure, but I’ll be damned if I will pretend [they don’t exist], or hide my strong4 feelings about something.

With all the feelings came a lot of thoughts, insecurities, and questions about whether my behaviour was ever going to hurt someone. Along with all these feelings comes this ability to feel the same things that someone I cared about was feeling as well5. On top of that, I really hated feeling any sort of negative emotions and I fought them with such fervour, and of course that only made things worse. So I would worry, and try to predict situations and attempt to prevent hurting other people’s feelings. Naturally, whatever it was that I was trying to avoid was exactly what would happen and then I would be devastated. And I would blame myself; forever.


I’ll be honest that I haven’t always treated every single person I’ve ever met with the utmost respect; I was a teenager once too. And in my adult life, I had a lot of learning to do but once I learned the hard lessons I have always tried my best to be as respectful as possible. I’m also overly considerate; sometimes to a fault. I don’t even try to be. It’s just there. One example I can think of would be the sidewalk dilemma: You know how, when you’re walking on the sidewalk and there is a couple or a group approaching you going in the opposite direction, the onus really should be on them to make room6, I used make myself so much smaller for no other reason than I wanted to be nice. Of course that would often backfire on me and make my walk that much more uncomfortable. I don’t do that anymore. I own my space. I walk on my side of the pavement, with a smile on my face and people always graciously move out of my way.

It’s only a small example of the changes I’ve seen in myself. And I am honestly just that much happier. I just can’t believe how much I used to worry about. I have to admit, I wonder how long this will last. It didn’t start over the holidays; I’ve felt this way since I turned thirty-five in early November. It feels pretty fucking fantastic. But I can’t help but worry that it will all change once I fall in love again. That’s always been my Achilles heel, if you will; it’s almost as if falling in love just rips me so wide open that I no longer know how to function. I just become a puddle of mush. It really sucks because I do so love being in-love. Thankfully I don’t foresee that happening anytime soon, and at the very least I know better now than to let things get out of hand too soon like I have been for the last 20 or so years. If he can’t fucking wait, that’s his own damn problem, isn’t it?

There’s a part of me that hopes that the girl I remember being is really gone for good. There’s another part of me that is sad because there was so much about her that I really loved. How much and how deeply I cared about things and people. But then again… oh how I cared; to the point where the pain was unbearable when someone hurt me. I’m sure that at some point in my life I will find something to care about that will be worth that pain, but until then I’ll be happy living a fuck-free life focusing on only those things that make my heart soar, and my soul sing7.

  1. if I had a dollar for every time that someone has called me that in a negative light, I’d have some extra spending money []
  2. not just the recent ones who I have since quietly cut out of my life []
  3. that is kind of a lie, if I wanted to be disingenuous I could be but I simply have no interest in misleading people []
  4. an important distinction to make []
  5. I know you’ve heard of empathy []
  6. because logic []
  7. speaking of singing, I’ve been doing a lot of that too. Hoping to write an update on that soon-ish []

The importance of self-love

[Only because I haven’t talked about this kind of stuff since the condom reviews, I feel like I should warn you… the subject matter is sexual. Consider yourself warned]

I was raised Roman Catholic. No one taught me about sex. I discovered everything I know about that subject all on my own. Okay maybe I had the the help of a few people1. Despite all the ‘experience’ I had though, I didn’t really discover the benefits of self-love2 until a few years ago. Benefits that I am happily taking advantage of due to a combination of a recent change in my situation, as well as the realization that I am no longer interested in being intimate with any warm body.

Recently, I got to be Joanna‘s plus one at a really fun event3 and while we were sipping champagne and browsing through their awesome selection we got to talking about masturbating and how important it is for so many reasons. It’s an important part of knowing your body; knowing how to please yourself and when the time comes, knowing how to help someone else please you. It’s also a wonderful buffer to prevent yourself from becoming intimate with the wrong person.

I have to be honest that the appeal of playing with only myself was never there for me. When you consider the fact that I have never had an issue finding someone who was willing to ‘do the job’4 it’s easy to understand why. Now that I’m in my 30s though, ‘the game’ has gotten so old and having to rely on someone else has become far less appealing. Sure, I still enjoy a long play session with someone worthwhile from time to time but it actually makes it more fun if those long sessions aren’t as frequent as they used to be. Even better that in between I get to enjoy some quality time with myself.

There is one other benefit that I wish I had known about while I was in my 20s. Since I am no longer plagued by this problem, I can freely talk about the fact that when I was in my 20s I often found it difficult to avoid getting intimate with someone too soon. I don’t regret anything I did, by any means, but I’m certainly glad I was able to change that about myself. Things never work out the way I want when i sleep with someone on the first, or even the second date.

It isn’t until recently that I discovered how integral it5 is to preventing pre-mature intimacy when you’re still getting to know someone. I mean… all those dates I went on when I was feeling lonely or horny and I decided to sleep with the guy on the first date just because I had an itch that needed to be scratched? I just think about all the heart-break6 that could have been avoided… and I do feel bad. However, It’s my policy not to live with regret though; learn the lesson and move on, right?

Some people might think it’s sad, but I really don’t think it has to be. I think it’s a great supplement to a healthy sex-life. I even know some people who are incapable of pleasing themselves on their own, and I think it’s really unfortunate. But everyone has their own problems… who am I to judge?

Screen Shot 2016-03-20 at 22.51.41

Now more than ever, I’m hoping to focus on being more self-sufficient because for most of my life I have relied on other people for my happiness7. I’ve been trying to focus on this though for the last 3 years. Here’s hoping it finally sticks.

  1. but that is a whole other topic I won’t be getting into right now []
  2. yes, I mean masturbation []
  3. by a brand that I’m certain wouldn’t want to be mentioned on a post with such a sexual subject matter []
  4. not to sound cocky but it’s just a fact []
  5. masturbating []
  6. not just mine []
  7. oh and yes, there is plenty of happiness to be found in masturbation []

No really, Come Date With Me!

On February 20th, a new show is going to premiere on the W Network. I’m beyond excited. It’s hard for me to write about it because the 300 cartwheels I’ve done, don’t feel like enough. The show is called, Come Date With Me and instead of try to write up a description for it, I’m going to get their words tell you:

Come Date With Me combines the cooking, criticizing and competition of Come Dine With Me Canada and adds a new twist—romance. Four eligible bachelors compete to win the heart of one woman – or vice versa—as they each take her out on fun, adventurous dates then cook for her in their own homes. The catch? These kitchen Casanovas have to cook for their fellow male suitors as well! Our bachelorette rates each date and dinner and the bachelor who captures her heart will share $1000 on the ultimate dream date.

In case you haven’t seen the teaser video yet, you can check it out by clicking on the image below.

Click here to watch the teaser video, featuring me!

It was a super fun week full of  a lot of a giggling girl1, four manly men, delicious food, some2 alcohol and more that… I may or may not remember at this time.

By now, a lot of you have already seen my episode and you already know how it ends. For those of you who haven’t seen it yet, I hope you tune in. It’ll make me smile. You want me to smile, right? My episode first aired on February 9th at 1pm and has played again a few times since3, and it’s airing again TONIGHT at 8pm.

And if you have seen me in the show already, who do *you* think I should have picked?

  1. Not me. Okay, Maybe me. []
  2. okay, maybe a lot of []
  3. There was a viewing party on Feb 12th! []