Changing my relationship with Anger

I was originally going to call this post, Leaving Anger Behind, except that isn’t what I’m going. I am not going to pretend or lie to myself that I would ever be completely free from anger. That would be a little naive of me. As someone born with the ability to feel things so incredibly and, intensely1, I need to accept the fact that this ‘gift’ includes the entire spectrum of emotions from elation to devastation2.

This is an endeavour that I’ve attempted before, and I thought I had succeeded… but of course, I didn’t anticipate going through a trauma like I did in the last two years. I didn’t prepare to deal with healing from a trauma3 before it happened; I was ill-equipped to come out of it with as much poise and grace as I would have liked.

Oh but the lessons I’ve learned! So. Many. Lessons.

Take my relationship with anger; for example. Anger is this… temptress… it uses it’s hardness seductively to make you think that it will serve as a good shield to protect you from things that might hurt you. Oh and how it works; it works really well. What it doesn’t tell you? What it doesn’t tell you is that it also shields you from the most beautiful moments, when you are vulnerable enough to feel the kind of joy that comes from being completely real with someone. When both of your shields are down, and you’re able to look at each other with all of your battle wounds and just be4. It doesn’t tell you about missing out on that, and you don’t realize it until that moment is long gone.

Now I may have missed moments already, but I’m in a much better place now to see any future moments that may come my way. I didn’t get to this place on my own. This place where I can finally say I am no longer angry5. I am incredibly blessed to have the most amazing friends who spent many hours listening to me when I needed someone to listen, and holding me when I needed to be held, and working out with me when I needed to let off some steam. There is no way I would have made it to this point if it weren’t for any of you6.

I digress.

It may seem obvious, but it wasn’t always obvious to me; the most important thing I’m practising is how to avoid getting angry with myself for things that really aren’t my fault, nor are/were in my control. Also important, is not getting angry at myself even if something is/was within my control. I know I won’t always succeed7, and because that falls under the category of ‘things I can’t control’; if it happens, I just have to recognize what’s happening, accept it and forgive myself rather than getting upset that it happened ‘yet again’. It’s a practice that’s easier said than done. Until you’ve practiced it enough times that it just becomes easy, and oh-so rewarding.

It’s been nice being able to come across a situation that – just last month – would have had me spiraling into all of the negative thoughts that have kept me down, but to instead be able to take a breath and let it go. Sometimes, I have to vent to a friend first and talk things out before I can let go, and that’s okay too8.

I’m not saying anger doesn’t have it’s place in a person’s life. I’m just saying it has no place in mine.

Photo unrelated, though somehow related. Taken while out on a hike with my brother and his/the family dog, Drogo. Follow me on instagram: @fragileheart
  1. double adjectives because that’s now intense it is []
  2. or whatever extreme you’d prefer []
  3. how could I know I would be traumatised by such things? []
  4. Oh right, I’m not writing a poem right now. Heh. I got carried away with my analogy []
  5. or depressed for that matter []
  6. there is also therapy but um, I actually pay him so… []
  7. because surprise, I’m human! []
  8. thankfully, it’s okay to my friends too – THANK YOU!! []

Kintsukuroi | Kintsugi Art

I don’t remember when I first heard the term. It could be from one of my favourite bands, Hey Rosetta!, or from one of my best friends who lived in Japan for two years. Anyway…

Kintsukuroi means golden repair, and Kintsugi means golden joinery. Either way, the process results in beautiful pieces of once-broken pottery, vessel or piece that is even more beautiful as any cracks and/or holes have been filled with gold. As someone who has had a lot of things broken in her life – both metaphorically, and literally1 – I can appreciate the ability to turn something broken into something more beautiful that it originally was.

I have an opportunity to do exactly this – take something broken, fill it with beauty, and love and make it better than it was before2. While I’ve never attempted the [literal] process itself, it looks fairly easy, though a little time consuming and a test of patience; I can only imagine that applying the same concept to other aspects of life would also involve similar levels of patience, determination and time.

Patience has never been a strength of mine, but I have been practicing it a lot of late. I would like to think I’ve got a pretty good handle on it, and this would certainly be a good test to see how far I’ve come. I don’t think I’d be attempting this if I wasn’t determined, and time… well… I have no control over that but I’m ready to invest the time and I guess that’s all I can really do.

Apparently, the idea behind Kintsugi comes from the “Zen ideas of Wabi Sabi which cherishes what is simple, pretentious and aged, especially if it has a rustic or weathered quality”. In a world that is so obsessed with the latest technology, or the latest trend in [insert cool thing here], my hopelessly romantic and sentimental soul can’t help but cherish the idea of repairing something broken, and making it stronger in the process.

See it in action:

I couldn’t mention Hey Rosetta! and not show you the song their song called Kintsukuroi. It’s from their latest album called Second Sight, which has been a guilty pleasure for the past 6 months. I love these guys so much. Please enjoy:

Oh, and don’t be fooled by all this, I still love shopping for new things 😉

  1. I inherited this trait from my mom called, ‘butter fingers’ []
  2. and no, I don’t mean literally []

It may have been a mere 48 hours, but in that time we were like a family.

It was my first year doing the 48 hour film project. It was my first time working with many of the people on the team, at least in the capacity that we all held in those 48 hours. When I do it again next year1, we have a lot to live up to because it was such a phenomenal experience.

Hashtag Bougie Productions

There was no ego; you never heard “that’s not my job”; you never felt like you were alone, no matter what you were doing. At least that’s what the experience felt like for me. I can only hope the same sentiments are shared by my team mates. I’m not sure how many of them know this, but it was my first time as a PA. I had no idea what to do so I just did what I did best: if Dave2 asked me to take care of something, I took care of it all the way. Just because I brought breakfast, didn’t mean it stopped there. Dianna and I owned that table and made it a spread you could never forget3!

I’ve always been pretty lucky when working on film sets. I always seem to be surrounded by people who are focused enough to get the work done professionally, but aren’t afraid to have fun with each other. Based on things I’ve heard from other people, it really isn’t always the case. I’m so grateful that my experiences have been so full of magic and collaboration.

I feel so honoured to have been able to work with a group of such talented people. I am full of renewed energy to continue to work in film4. If you ever get a chance to participate in something like the 48 Hour Film Project, I would highly recommend it. Just look at all the fun we had! Our team was called Hastag Bougie Productions, and together we produced All For Davey.

The first public screening took place on November 3rd, at the Revue Cinema, where we learned that we moved on to the “Best Of” screenings taking place at the Bloor Hot Docs Cinema on November 10th from 3-6pm. I hope you can join us!

Watermarked photos belong to the lovely Dianna Lee from OTC Media.

On the set of "All For Davey"

On the set of "All for Davey"

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On the set of "All for Davey"

  1. At least, I am hoping we do it again next year []
  2. our fearless leader []
  3. I know you think I am being dramatic but… []
  4. heck, hopefully one day it will make me money too []