Like it was yesterday

In Memory September 11 2001

I can’t believe it has been 12 years since the day that we all call 9/11 happened. I remember being woken up by my boyfriend at the time1, and being slightly upset with him. I was trying to sleep in because I had just flown in the night before from visiting Jackie in L.A. I had been there for three weeks and the flight was almost delayed to the next morning. That very morning when horrible things happened that have affected so many lives in ways we’re probably not even done realizing yet.

He told me to turn on the TV and despite my crankiness, I heard something in his voice that I had never heard to such an extent, so I did. And I swear I held my breath for what seemed like an eternity. I held my breath as if I was making a wish before I blow out a birthday cake. I was praying that it was all some sick joke or publicity stunt. It was ridiculous to wish for, but I just wanted something other than the truth to be that a plane had flown into a very important building in New York City.

All that happened though, was that things got worse. I don’t need to re-tell the story because we all know what happened. And we would continue to hear more stories from people2. We all lost something that day. We all lost a little faith, a little hope, innocence… even when we thought we didn’t have any more of those things to lose. Then we started hearing stories about the heroes; the ones who stood in the face of evil and told it to fuck off. And even though their efforts were in vain, it helped to know that they didn’t go down without a fight.

I have lived a lucky life to only know of such horrible loss from a distance. My heart goes out to those who weren’t so lucky. I will always remember.

  1. a sweet guy who was way too mature for me at the time, If I knew back then what I know now I never would have let him go []
  2. and we would eat them up because for some of us knowing the details helps us cope []

It hasn’t left

I’ve written about death a lot in the past month and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. I’m not complaining, because it’s a fact of life but I do hope there are happier times ahead for everyone involved. An old friend from high school passed away earlier this month and I’ve been given the morning off so I can attend the mass being held for her tomorrow morning.

I was going to go to the funeral home today, but I chickened out. For one reason or another I didn’t feel like I belonged there. In hindsight, I’m sure the family would have appreciated my being there… but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’m afraid to go to the mass tomorrow but I will be going to that. I don’t know anyone else that is going to be there, but it doesn’t matter.

It’ll be extra weird because this is the first time I will be stepping foot in that church in almost 3 years. I used to sing with the choir and I hear that the choir master who I studied under is no longer there. I’ve decided not to wear mascara in case I start bawling my eyes out. I don’t know how to feel about her death… it has been quite some time since we drifted apart but I remember her vividly and it’s a horrible loss for the world to be without such a caring soul1.

Please take a moment to wish her soul well, to help her and her beloved rest in the peace that they deserve.

  1. I can’t imagine she would have changed from the person I knew in high school, and from what I hear the changes were amazing []

I’ll miss you Lola

My grandmother passed away this weekend. She was 76 and the dearest soul… She was such a Mom. Always taking care of people, always wanting to feed you more. She was cute and the smallest member of our family (minus the really really young kids). She was a lot like my Mum: smart, perceptive, intuitive, talented in many respects, gentle but firm and most of all, all about love. Maria Fe Santos Wang did not have a bad bone in her body and I’ve missed growing up in her wisdom.

I was at work when my Mum called me to tell me the news and I couldn’t hold my protest in. In a way I’m glad I wasn’t at home, because then I knew that I wouldn’t have been able to stop crying because my Mum would have been crying. Jason was really good at comforting me that night and I was grateful that he was there. Everyone’s been really awesome in this time and I just want to say thank you. I wish that you all could’ve met her… for those of you that have met my Mum, my Grandmum was the same… except less annoying *smirk*.

I’d like to ask all of you to take a moment to honor my Grandmum’s memory, even if you didn’t know her, living in the Philippines is hard and she did it with grace, courage and integrity. Thank you for your time… 🙂