When all you feel is blue

Sometimes you just have to force yourself to leave the house. Sometimes forcing yourself to do things you would really rather not be doing is the one thing that can make you feel better. Even if ‘feeling better’ only really means that you’re ignoring the problem; as long as it puts a smile on your face, I think it’s acceptable.

I have found myself in an interesting situation and I don’t know what to do. I was in hibernation over the holidays, mostly because of all this and partially because I felt the need to disconnect. Of course I didn’t disconnect completely; I still visited sites and answered tweets or messages that I got (for the most part) but I didn’t post anything. I barely even read what others had to say.

I had so much going on in my head1 that I just couldn’t take anymore information. But once I woke up on Monday, it was like a huge cloud had been lifted and I began to see things with some clarity. Though it has gotten easier to deal with things, I still feel empty in the mornings. I’m sure it’ll get easier to deal with too, but I’m not sure I want to. Sometimes, I’m not sure it’s worth it.

This weekend, even though I was really not in the mood, I decided to make plans with people. Including going over to my parents’ place on Friday night. What a fun night that turned out to be. We had just finished dinner and I had the urge to play board games but they only had Bingo… so we played. Such fun! I even won $3!

When that was done, I noticed we were all still lingering around the dinner table so I suggested we play rockband in my brother’s room in the basement. They were apprehensive at first, and when we started to play my Dad was having trouble with the drums but he persevered2 and came out doing quite well! We played until 1am!

I got home and didn’t feel empty when I looked at my bed for once, and that can only be a good thing. Even if I was only temporarily distracted from my feelings.

How do you deal with negative feelings? Do you face them head on or ignore them?

  1. I still do []
  2. making me love him even more []

The story of the heart

“Sometimes a man finds his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.” — Clive Owen playing Louis Salinger in The International.

While I realise the following may only be an example of the above on a smaller scale than Eric Singer1 intended when he wrote this line, but I hope you forgive me for the use of it anyway. I was looking forward to something like The Body Worlds exhibit because it was scientific, and educational; despite being an exhibit that promised a focus on the heart2 I honestly thought I would be able to avoid the emotions that have been swirling around my entire body for the last few weeks or so. I’m sure you can guess by the way I’ve introduced this… but I was wrong in thinking so.

I expected to be more interested in the muscles in our bodies, the bones and whatever else but I ended up being fascinated by the nervous system3 and shamelessly, I will admit that it has a little something to do with Grey’s Anatomy. McDreamy and Meredith’s passion for neurology and their desire to find ways to fix problems we can’t possibly fathom even beginning to try to fix in ourselves4… made me curious about these tiny little tubes the run through our entire body and breathe life into us. I was enchanted, mesmerized and extremely emotional and I can’t help but wonder if I would have felt the same had I seen the same exhibit two months ago. Two months ago, my poem writing count was 20 poems smaller than it is now. Two months ago, I could barely write in my diary. Two months ago, I wouldn’t have known how great it feels to just sit and feel your skin on edge from emotion.

I was a little creeped out at some points; there were moments where I tried to imagine who the person was. This person kneeling in front of me… skinless, cut up and frozen in time. Who were they, and what happened to them that led them to this display case? But I had to put that out of my head and just be thankful I could learn what I was learning. I decided instead to focus on how good it feels to not be numb. It feels good to know that I can talk about what I want to talk about and know that I won’t be judged. The exhibit reminded me how important it is to feel; not just our emotions but to feel your entire body and all the little things going on inside5.

There was a letter from a heart donor recipient to their donor6 and the last line in the letter read, “Everyone wants to look back at their lives and  realise that they left a trace. I am your trace. Thank you!” and my eyes involuntarily filled with tears. It was a really heartfelt letter to begin with, but to end it with those words really touched me. Though it wasn’t all as pleasant as these parts I’ve already described. There was a special section on fetuses and it made me a little sick to my stomach7, for not only did my Mum ask me for a grandchild the day8 before but here I was staring at an 8 week old fetus the size of a grape and it had a mouth, eyes, a nose and all the other things that make us look human. It was fascinating and terrifying, and I hope I never have to see it again.

And now for my favourite part: They had these configurations of arteries to simulate what various body parts would look like if all you were left with were the arteries. They looked like beautiful, soft pillows… with blood vessels so tiny, they can only be described as delicate. I honestly wanted one… probably the heart as a piece of art to display. I think it’d suit, right? Fragileheart? hehe Anyway, I think I’ve probably creeped out quite a number of you already with this post so I’ll stop.

Just tell me this, What did you think of the Body Worlds: The Story of the Heart exhibit?

  1. he wrote the screenplay for ‘The International’ as per IMDb []
  2. as an organ in our body, not the vessel that carries our very being []
  3. our arteries mainly []
  4. how’s that for a mouthful? []
  5. and obviously, the big things too []
  6. I guess that means it was an open letter since the donor would not have been alive to read it []
  7. not much gets this reaction from me []
  8. wondering how many of you will actually catch this little insert []

My Lolo

My Lolo1 is in town. He arrived on Thursday and I’m a bit of an emotional mess. It’s different having your Mum’s Dad in your life… and for the most part, For the most part, I’ve been avoiding contact with him. He’s from such a different generation and I can’t even begin to imagine what he thinks of me and how I live my life. He constantly teases me and I just laugh it off but its all I can do to cry and tell him I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment.

This is new to me because I’ve never been the type to care about what someone thinks of me… I tend to apologise for making them feel uncomfortable but I never apologise for living my life the way I want to live it. And for one reason or another, he is different. I’ve only ever been exposed to him during limited time periods… a vacation that lasted two weeks… to a maximum of one month… and there have been always been other family members around to take the focus off me.

You see my Mum is the oldest of 7 children; I was the first grandchild, and the only grand-daughter on my Mum’s side of the family2 and that is why they named me what they named me3. And I always get this feeling from my Lolo that he expects me to do great things… and while I’ve been brought up with the belief that everything I do is great4 I still feel like I’m running out of time.

In the very first entry on this version of this blog, you’ll read about my Lola5… and how I lost her way too soon. My Lolo is pretty strong… but he’s definitely a weaker version than what I remember from my childhood. If there’s anyone who I want to make proud of what I’ve accomplished in my life, it would be him. Despite never really knowing him as well as I know my parents… I want to make him so proud of me that he will finally understand that even though I haven’t led my life the way my Mum led hers it doesn’t make me any less amazing than she is.

I’m sure growing up without him in my life plays a huge part in all this, but I’m curious… how do you feel about your Grandparents?

  1. Grandfather in Tagalog aka Filipino []
  2. actually, I was the only grand-daughter on both sides for a long time []
  3. if you don’t know yet, you might want to actually establish contact with me so I can tell you []
  4. no matter how small []
  5. Grandmother in Tagalog []