I have always maintained that everyone deserves love but I am suddenly finding myself leaning towards the cynical side of life philosophy these days. It’s unnerving but also difficult to shake. I’ve had a lot of bad shit happen to me but I have always been able to bounce back into hope. Hope that things will always get better; hope that things always work out for a reason; hope that if you want something bad enough you’ll get it; hope that everyone deserves the best.
Cynics would call me naive in thinking all that but all the ‘pain’ I’ve experienced in my life has been accompanied by amazing life lessons, experiences and memories that I would not trade for anything -no, not even a happy ending. Why? Because who’s to say what happy ending that would have been, and who’s to say it would have actually lasted? I almost had my so-called happy ending, at least according to some, but it didn’t happen because it wasn’t right for me.
Hope would have me believe that the reason it didn’t happen was precisely because it wasn’t right for me; this other side that is creeping into my life philosophy is telling me that I wouldn’t know because it didn’t happen -except that I do know. And so the battle goes. This weekend I witnessed some ridiculous behaviour by people. I say people because women are every bit as guilty of bullshit as women are. Yes, I include myself in this. It’s because we don’t know what we want; and if we do know what we want there’s no guarantee that what we want will remain the same for any given length of time.
And to top it off for the most part we are ashamed to admit that we don’t know what we want. Maybe we’re not ashamed; maybe we’re unsure of how to express it; maybe we’re unsure of how it will be received; maybe we don’t even realize that we’re doing someone else’s head in; maybe, maybe, maybe… whatever the reason the truth is that when it comes to emotions and/or sexuality our brains don’t function quite the same.
Going back to said bullshit, I should probably elaborate for curiousity’s sake but that’s just not how this goes so you’ll have to take my word for it and understand that the main thing is that there was disrespect displayed displayed in several unrelated scenarios that has compounded and made me question my entire belief system. Maybe I’m speaking too soon but if this keeps up I may just become a cynic.
I want to try. I want to be stronger than that; I don’t want to give in to the dark side but right now I just don’t think I have enough fight left in me.
I don’t have any questions today.