Going through the motions with sincere apologies

For the first time since I can remember, I am the depressing one this Christmas. I can only hope this means that the rest of the world is happy this time of year. I have this belief that my mood largely depends on the rest of the world; when it’s sad I’m ecstatic and when it’s happy I tend to get depressed. Why? I believe it’s because there is something inside of me that needs to see a balance in the world. Obviously in this belief I also have a huge ego to think that my little mood changes could actually make a difference but go with me here.

This Christmas is a pretty painful one and each day that passes only makes it harder. I’m not sure I want to admit that it’s because I’m sad that I’m not celebrating it with my ex1. Not that I would still want to be with him, but you have to understand that for the last five years I’ve spent Christmas with him. Or at the very least, I’ve spent New Year’s with him. They weren’t always pleasant, in fact the first was down right heart breaking but the point is that we were together. Despite everything, I still thought that I would always be spending my future Christmases with him. I never expected this.

I didn’t expect this pain. Not now, not ever. I want to apologise to everyone who sent me their mailing addresses for Christmas cards but I honestly haven’t had the energy to write them. I’ve bought the cards because that was easy, but sitting still is difficult. Even writing this post has been done in one to two minute intervals because I just can’t sit still for fear that I’ll just break down crying. I might still send them… but it won’t get to you before Christmas and I’m sorry2.

Christmas is my favourite time of year, most years. This year… this year, I just want to crawl into a hole and forget it ever existed. Please write me about how happy your Christmases are this year because I need to know that it’s happy for everyone else. I need to know the world is balanced and that not everyone is feeling as shitty as I am. I know that some of you3 are concerned for me now but honestly I know I will be ok, I just need to hear of your happiness and all will be right with me.

Please tell me you’re happy, dear readers. I need you.

  1. except that I think I just did []
  2. you may forgive me, but we all know I’m pretty hard on myself – this is a pretty huge failure for me []
  3. you dear, dear hearts []

Drifting: does it always feel as good as it feels bad?

My dear friend and fellow blogger Erica of Fiveblondes.com, shared something really personal the other day and it got me thinking about the times I’ve done something similar to someone else. Granted if it was someone I was that1 close to, I would have been more honest… but that’s me. The thing is that I’m guilty of drifting… and sometimes2 out right ignoring the other person and sometimes… even totally out of the blue3.

I was living in Dublin and about to come home for a dear friend’s4 wedding. Maria5 started emailing me… about a textbook I borrowed from her the spring before, our last exam season together.  I wasn’t going to be in town for very long and I had a lot that I wanted to accomplish while I was here6 and her asking me for this text book really irked me7. I still don’t know why, because it’s not a complicated request… in fact it was a very simple request but I guess it was the simplicity of the request combined with the limited time I had that didn’t sit too well with me.

Perhaps too it was because she didn’t ask me if I wanted to meet up for drinks or any other social gathering… no, she asked me to bring the textbook to the wedding. To. The. Wedding. A wedding that was not taking place in Toronto. A wedding where I will be wearing something that can’t really get accessorized by a textbook.

Now, bless my Mum for playing along with this but I asked her to mail the textbook to Maria or at least try and organise it so that Maria could pick up the text from my Mum’s office8 so that I wouldn’t have to give her to textbook at the wedding. I don’t remember what actually happened, but I know she got it in the end.

At the wedding, I was polite as we shared a table with about 6 other people and our dates9 but I didn’t need to focus on trying not to talk to her because the rest of the table was just so much fun and the two of them just sat there like zombies, with barely a smile on their faces10.

After the wedding, I remember getting an email from her asking me what happened to us. It went on to talk about how we used to be so close and etc. I never replied to the email but it is still in my archives… I’m not sure I ever will really. And the sad thing is that I don’t really feel like there’s been anything missing in my life since she’s been gone from it.

Now, even though you’re my brain twin, I feel the need to specify this: Erica, I don’t think this story is similar to yours because honestly if you were gone from my life I know for sure there would be something missing – and I can only imagine that feeling is mutual for anyone who has met you.. because let’s face it, you’re freakin’ awesome. You see Maria unfortunately wasn’t so awesome… in fact, she was extremely negative. And who needs that in their life right? I wasn’t trying to find an explanation for why that girl11 essentially shunned you like she did but if I had to guess, it would be because she simply went insane. The end12.

Imagine you’re in an inflatable raft without oars at sea. You start out near the shore and slowly, but surely you start drifting farther and farther away from it. If you ignore your qualms, drifting starts to feel good – almost freeing… but there’s always that nagging voice at the back of your head that makes the drifting feel not-so-good. I feel like this good-bad feeling combo also applies to when you’re drifting apart from someone you either used to care about a lot or just used to spend a lot of time with. Of course the good to bad ratio varies depending on how much you cared about said person in the first place.

So what I want to know is this, have you ever been in a situation where drifting apart13 hasn’t felt good and bad at the same time?

  1. as in as close as Eri was to that girl – no she doesn’t get a name in my story []
  2. ok, maybe just one time []
  3. seemingly, to the other person []
  4. who I haven’t seen in over two years actually… perhaps this can be partially explained by this post… hm… []
  5. name has been changed to protect… her []
  6. and by accomplish, I mean drink []
  7. read: annoyed the fuck outta []
  8. which is at our University []
  9. I brought my not-so little brother, she brought her bf who I’m pretty sure she’s still with []
  10. did I mention it was a wedding-and-therefore-a-happy-occasion-I-thought-so []
  11. yeah, still no name for her on my blog []
  12. well, not really the end, there’s more… see below []
  13. whether intentional or not []

A twitter meet-up tale

This weekend, I got to do one of the things I love to do the most: Drive. I got to drive so much and it didn’t even matter that some of it was in traffic. Late Saturday morning my Mum and I set off for Buffalo, NY to meet up with fellow blogger/tweeter, and comedian Dartanion. I would love to say that the return trip back to Toronto went off without a hitch but sadly, not only did we start off in the wrong direction for about 30-40 mins but we also encountered a huge line at Lewiston bridge! Once we were past the border, we discovered a traffic jam in St. Catherine’s, but we easily avoided it thanks to Dartanion’s trusty Australian GPS1.

As soon as my Dad left with my Mum in tow2, I downed two shots of tequila and got ready for the 80’s party that we were 4 hours late for. Of course, we didn’t leave before downing one more shot of tequila. Once at the party, there weren’t many people left but we made it our own with some dancing and our very own game of twister. Dartanion came out as the winner of the first game but didn’t play again for a shot at the title.

You would think that going to bed at almost 7am would mean that we wouldn’t be able to get up before noon, but apparently one can’t sleep when you have a pounding headache from being hydrated purely by alcohol 3. Once we had breakfast4 and our showers, we headed out to do some touristy things in Toronto. After visiting Casa Loma, the CN tower and a 1 hour harbour tour I showed him my5 beloved Distillery District. We could have gone to another party that I knew about that night, but we wanted to get up early the next day and head down to Niagara for a little bit.

Traffic had other ideas though, and we didn’t get into Niagara Falls until around 12 p.m. which was way later than either of us wanted to get there.  The crowds and $20 parking fee meant that I had to drop him off at a good spot to take photos and drive around until I could find a good place to make a U-turn6. The rainbow bridge treated us better than Lewiston did a couple of nights before and we were eating a late lunch at Chili’s in no time.

Now I know you think this story has come to it’s end but I’m sorry to inform you that it is far from that. On the way back I tried my best to avoid Lewiston but obviously don’t know the US freeways well enough to know that there is no way to do that when you’re on the I-190. Luckily, I was able to exit at R. Moses Parkway before being perma-stuck in a long line to hell… after a scenic drive I arrive at Rainbow bridge where the wait was at least 10 times shorter than at Lewiston.

I managed to hit a bit of the same traffic in St. Catherine’s that we had hit a couple of nights before, but I also managed to take the same detour through the vineyards7 and shaved about 40-50 mins off my travel time. But someone didn’t want me back in Toronto just yet… out of the corner of my eye, I saw her: a lady in the passenger seat of the car to my left was frantically waving her arms in the air. Once I looked over, I realised she was waving at me. She quickly pointed to my rear, driver side tyre and made a gesture to simulate a flat surface. I furrowed my brow and mouthed ‘Thank You’, and quickly turned on my signal to change to the right lane and eventually the shoulder.

After my phone conked out and decided that it didn’t want to reset itself for a whole 20 minutes, I finally got a hold of my Dad and got some basic directions from him. I knew where to find everything: spare tire, jack, crow bar… but I didn’t want to start until I was absolutely sure there wasn’t something I needed to know. Three people stopped: one car just stopped behind me and watched me for a few minutes but must have seen that I was on my phone and so drove off after I waved and smiled at them; one car stopped just ahead of me8: being able to check off “change a tyre” on the proverbial to-do list.

  1. it wasn’t really Austalian, he was just using the Australian voice []
  2. he came to pick her up at the apartment []
  3. so, NOT hydrated []
  4. and I swept the entire apartment to appease my hangover []
  5. yes, it’s mine []
  6. yes, another illegal one — sorry!! []
  7. not literally of course []
  8. and was actually putting himself in a lot of danger because of where he stopped), and got out to ask me if I needed help but I thanked him for stopping and sent him on his way; the third car that stopped was actually big rig, and the long, blond-haired driver insisted on helping so I let him check to see if I had tightened the bolts enough and remove the jack for me… he seemed to welcome the break he got from the long drive he must have been on.

    I was at my parents’ house 30 minutes later and I have to say that it was actually the perfect end to the weekend of hanging out with a smart cookie, and rediscovering my city ((and what I love so much about it – the harbourfront []