WARNING: It’s a long one!
I used to have a terrible temper. Tantrums all over the place. Anyone who knew me when I was younger (so all you Dubai-ans) might possibly remember this about me… but I’ve changed. A lot. Grown up, I guess you could say. I credit a lot of that to him, and I’m extremely happy about it. I used to think that I could never change, and that it was just how I was.
*sigh* The monster reared it’s ugly head this weekend. I don’t necessarily feel wrong in letting it out. In fact, I’m still pretty angry unimpressed with the person about what he did that caused me to explode in the first place…
Lacey’s1 last day was this past Friday so we went out for drinks to celebrate, and after the match, we were all pretty depressed… in particular Martin2 got the look on his face he always does when he gets drunk: emotional, dark, ready to explode at any minute. And I was avoiding talking to him because I don’t like dark, depressed drunks… I myself am a bright and shiny drunk and prefer to stick with fellow bright and shinys. Well, Lacey went over to him because that’s the kind of person she is… and in the midst of the conversation… out of the blue he yells out, “(something)…french fucks” while pointing in the direction of where a group of french people were standing during the match and also kicking the table away from him. Away from him just so happened to be right into me.
I looked up and was about to ask what was wrong when it hit me a second time… and I lost it. I haven’t yelled at anybody like that since I was an angst-filled teen. But it wasn’t just that he hit me. Twice. It was that when he hit me, not once did he apologize. No acknowledgement of physically hurting someone who hasn’t done a thing to him. Someone who he considers a “friend.” And even when I started screaming at him he goes on to accuse me of needing everything to be about me.
In his defense, I found out later on that he had gotten some pretty bad news which gives him every right to be upset.
But I will never, ever defend that kind of behaviour.
I’m upset because he brought that out in me. And because he had the nerve to call me selfish because I felt the need to defend myself against someone I’m supposed to call a friend. I feel I have to decide that it’s just not worth staying friends with someone like that. It would be different if he never made any comments alluding to how sexy he thinks I am when he’s drunk as well. But to be honest, if there’s anything re-connecting has taught me… it’s that NONE of my guy friends from my teens were real friends. Everyone of them who showed any effort in keeping our friendship has confessed to ‘having a crush’ on me on reconnecting.
And even today when he sent me an email at work asking if we’re ‘friends or enemies’… ‘it doesn’t matter but I just want to know’… I felt like I was in a relationship with him. I needed some time to cool down and think about what happened and what I wanted to happen. But now I’ve decided.
There’s only one relationship I want to be in, and that’s with my sweety… and we’re doing wonderfully.