Do you know me?

“Do you know me? At all?” — John Mayer, Do you know me? from Battle Studies.

twin

What does it mean to know someone? Does it mean you know exactly what’s on their mind at all times? Does it mean you can predict what their reaction is going to be at any given moment? Or does it simply mean you can rely on them to never fuck you over? It’s terrifying to me when someone can almost read my mind because half the time I don’t feel like I know what I am thinking at any given moment.

One perk of having a significant other, or a best friend is that you ‘know’ each other; that you ‘get’ each other. Until recently, I had never experienced having a best friend and suddenly I am finding myself being able to name four people almost instantly who I could say would be able to predict some sort of action or thought. Now, don’t laugh1 but it’s funny how all it really took to go from feeling like I’ve never had a best friend to suddenly being able to think of four people who could easily fit the category was simply shifting my focus to keeping such friends. I wonder why it is that it took me 27 years to figure that out.

Looking back on all my relationships, I know exactly why none of them worked out. They weren’t my best friends. And I feel that to really make it in this day and age, you need to marry your best friend if you want any hope of surviving. What with open relationships and marriages and swingers and swaggers2. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while you’re probably a little shocked to read the ‘m’ word used so casually but I never said anything about me getting married! 😉 I’m still not convinced that marriage is something that will work for me based on too many things to talk about now. I’ll have to save it for another post.

This past winter, I met someone who I thought I knew pretty well soon after meeting him. Which sounds silly but for those of us who believe in things like destiny, it can feel pretty real. It’s hard to explain how you can feel like you just ‘know’ someone so soon after you met them but I’m hoping you’ve all been there to save me the attempt. In a way, I’m sure I still do ‘know’ him and maybe I really did know him all along except I never expected he would do what I knew him to be capable of, to me. All this has left me a little wary, a little cautious of meeting and getting to know new people at least in a romantic context3. So needless to say, it’ll be a slow healing process for once in my life.

I think it’s about time4.

Do you know me?

p.s. This post is in part a tribute to John Mayer; I was at his recent concert at the Molson Amphitheatre where he performed this song5. Elated, inspired, in-heaven are some words I would like to use to describe how I felt that evening and for a while after.

  1. please? []
  2. ok I made that one up []
  3. BUT it has been more than 6 months at this stage so I am making a bit more of an effort []
  4. I tend to jump from one relationship to the next essentially make every relationship since my first love a long-ass rebound chain. Eeps. []
  5. though I started writing this before I went to the concert – just goes to show how connected we are; John and I *smirk* []

Going solo

I’m not sure I really know what it means to be alone1. A dear friend of mine2 told me after the Irish boy broke my heart and moved back to Dublin that I should try being alone for once.  Well, it’s five years later and it looks like I’m finally ready to follow his advice.

My method of coping after a breakup was to lean on someone3, and in hindsight, it only ever ended up hurting the other person. I’m ok with the fact that this is the one breakup that has forced me to change my ways. I’ve accepted that he made that large of an impact in my life in such a short time. Yes, it is a little sad but it doesn’t have to be. I’m sure the bad guy I’ve painted him out to be in my head, isn’t as bad as he really is – though I really can’t think of another explanation for everything.

When I’m out, I find myself trying to catch the eye of a good looking someone only to find a girl right beside him. It’s as if the universe is constantly reminding me of this decision I made not to date. It doesn’t make me bitter, but it does scare me a little4. To hear acquaintances tell me, “I’m sure you won’t have a problem finding a date”, doesn’t make me feel any better because it isn’t about finding a date – it’s about finding someone you like who likes you back just as much. And even harder still, someone who you know you can trust with your life; with your heart.

It’s strange to have felt such a level of comfort with someone and yet know that nothing they ever told you was true; or at least to not be able to distinguish the difference because the truths he told were only ‘mostly true’. I’m not sure I can believe that his intentions were honourable either – or I wouldn’t have had to take the same bout of antibiotics three times in the last 6 months5. And for what? For some of the best poetry I’ve ever written? For some of the best inspiration I’ve ever experienced?

When I look at those things, I can say that maybe it was worth it – but this knowledge that I can be so comfortable with someone who could not have been seeing the real me6 is not something I can help but regret. And I’ve talked about regret before… it’s not something I like living with. So I’m trying to live without it by cutting him out of my life. He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t see the betrayal. He doesn’t get it. But it’s not my job to show him. It’s not my responsibility.

The comfort I felt was the kind of comfort I would’ve changed my beliefs for. But at the end of the day, I am not the one he wants. I think I need to be alone to be ok with that; to accept that sometimes you find what your soul thinks is its mate… but it’s so very wrong.

  1. romantically []
  2. who I actually haven’t spoken to in some years []
  3. romantically []
  4. the ever irrational fear that I will never find someone []
  5. Oh and of course he claims he was cheated on – what convenient excuse []
  6. if he found it so hard to trust me with the truth, he couldn’t possibly have seen me []

Goodbye 2009

Two thousand and nine. What a heck of a year. Sure, nothing significant happened until May of this year but it pretty much snowballed from there. I move out of my parents’ place and quickly learned what it means to really use your toiletries1. It has certainly made me look at money in a very different way than I ever used to. I still own a lot of different bottles of whatever but most of it are from clothing swaps2. At first I got saddened by the reality of my “poverty”3, but I quickly realised how much worse it could be and that this was the price I was paying for my independence. Not that I ever had issues with independence when I was living with my parents in the sense that they were very trusting and allowed me to come and go as I pleased BUT they were also always around to bail me out4.

So even though I’ve had this resolution for the last few years, I know that thanks to the consumer proposal I filed earlier this year I will actually be able to say that I have made a dent in the debts that I owe.

The next significant thing to happen, was not a pleasant event in the least but I would be lying if I said that nothing good came from it. Breaking up is always hard to do but I think it definitely gave me the courage to be open with what I want, and5 begin being honest with myself about what I want. I don’t know how I managed to do it but even in the five years I was in my last relationship I learned to be sure enough of myself to know that it’s okay to want what I want, and that I may even deserve it. I’m not sure when it started but every relationship I started, started with doubt for me. I doubted myself, and what I had to offer a relationship and the person I was in the relationship with. Naturally, I didn’t want to freak out the guy I just started seeing so I never said anything and held it all in. What a way to start a relationship right?

Well, the next resolution for this year would be to not be in a relationship unless it really makes sense for both of us6. If I’m not ready, and he is then too bad because I’m not ready. If I’m ready and he’s not, then too bad because he’s not ready. I can only hope that I am able to only keep dating people who are able to be honest with themselves and with me so that I can keep this resolution. I realise this might be a really hard one to keep since it relies on other people but that’s another thing I think I need to learn to do: rely on people.

I don’t like to rely on people because, people can let you down. But more often than not they actually surprise and delight you, but only if you let them. So resolution number 37 is to let people in.

Many people have told me about friends of theirs who have regaled stories or have told me themselves about how the 28th year of their life was a significant one for them. I felt it before anyone said anything to me the night I turned 28 and I’m feeling it even more as the months pass by. And as many of you know, I desire to make the world better for8 the people I care about the most9 and I figured that I can only do that by first taking care of myself. So yes, these resolutions are about me. But they’re about all of you indirectly.

And with that I just want to say thanks to you for still being here through this turmoil I’ve been through in the last little while10. I hope that your 2009 was a memorable one – whether there were hardships or not – and that it only helped you become the wonderful person I know that you are11. I hope too that the beginning of the next decade brings nothing but prosperity, love and understanding for you and everyone you love.

What are some of your New Year’s resolutions?

  1. to the very last drop []
  2. yes, we bring more than just clothes []
  3. obviously, this is a horrible word to use because at least I still have a roof over my head and food in my belly but can I please have this one… just this once?? []
  4. financially []
  5. at the very least []
  6. myself and whoever this dude might be []
  7. for those keeping track []
  8. at the very least []
  9. uh, yes I realise I tend to care a lot about a lot of people []
  10. even though you don’t comment, I know you’ve been here so thank you []
  11. and don’t you dare let anyone tell you otherwise []