Manifest

The view from my balcony is always breathtaking. I feel very lucky to live here.

Earlier this summer, I had the pleasure of attending Camp Reset. If you’ve never heard of Camp Reset, you should really head over to the site to read more about it. It is life changing for many people who attend. I have to be honest, it wasn’t life changing for me… it was something better: life-affirming. I had been working on shaping my life using similar philosophies to that which can be found at Camp Reset and it was so wonderful to see it in action.

For far too long in my life, I’ve lived in worry and fear. I had convinced myself that I needed to worry about something or the worst possible outcome would surely come true. How naive was I? I have to admit that when I started the endeavour to eliminate worry, anxiety and fear from my life earlier this year, I had no idea what I was doing1. I had no idea whether simply pushing it away in those moments when I was too weak to face said fear/worry/anxiety would have the same effect as properly dealing with all those thoughts and emotions… but I must have done something right because I feel like I have been rewarded for all my hard work and patience. I think the key is to take the time to face those fears, hold them in your hand/mind/heart2, let them bring about all the emotions that they are going to bring out and then let them go. I won’t pretend to know if this will work for you, but I know that every time I have done it I have felt so fucking free.

Life is better than it could ever be, and yes, part of that has to do with the fact that I met someone amazing who I can call my partner and best friend. Before meeting him though, life had been pretty good already. It was a huge relief not to worry about every little stupid thing I might have said or forgotten to say to someone. It has been a huge relief to be able to own my choices and to not apologize for anything3, and to only take responsibility for what I am capable of controlling – my actions, and not someone else’s reactions to my actions.

This shift in my attitude helped me see the beauty in life no matter what I was going through. There was a lot of pain I had to process from my last two relationships4, and it would have been really easy to fall back into a depression. The shift made it so I could still enjoy my life, and only have moments when I needed to hole up myself up in my room, shut the curtains and all the lights and just cry into a couple5 glasses of bourbon. I’m happy to admit that those dark moments only needed said outlet every 3-6 months in the last year and a bit that I spent trying to fix or figure out all of that.

And now? Now, I’m free to enjoy the swooning that comes with a new romance that has begun with a ferocity I’ve only ever seen in the movies. We know we’re not perfect, but we seem to be perfect for each other, and most importantly we-talk-about-everything. Actually, perhaps even more critical is the fact that I don’t seem to have to say very much to him at all – I can say a few words, and he knows exactly what I am trying to say; no need for long explanations or anecdotes. Though we enjoy those at times as well.

Before I met him, I had been on the dating apps again for a few months. I had been on dates. I was even seeing someone (very) casually. They were all toads. Every single one of them. I like toads, don’t get me wrong. They’re cute in their own right but they’re flighty – and don’t leave any notes once they’re gone. All the while, I was ready to give up. Almost. I decided to employ the same attitude I had given to the rest of my life: don’t give a fuck, and just focus on what you can control. I could only control my attitude and how I approached each ‘date’ I went on. Remain in the positive.

How was I going to meet someone amazing if my attitude was less than so? So I focused on thinking about the kind of person I wanted to meet – kind, sweet, romantic, funny6, intelligent, hard-working, active, true (to their word), trustworthy, dependable, confident, generous and so-fucking-hot7…I could go on but I think I’ve made my point. I almost feel like Sandra Bullock’s character (Sally) in Practical Magic after she tore up her wishlist and was gifted with Aidan Quinn’s character (Gary)… minus the actual magical capabilities8. We are crazy about each other, are on the same page about what we want, and how we want to spend our time, and we talk about everything… soul-fucking-mates.

I know it doesn’t sound like it but I do try not to get too carried away… we are still brand new. There is a lot we have yet to learn about each other. I know better than to think we know everything about each other by now. My last relationship taught me that: no matter how well you think you know someone because you’ve spent almost every day together for a month, they can still shock you and show you their true colours. I have no red flags like I have with every other new start – mind you – nothing to make me think something similar is going to happen with Troy9, but I also know I need to protect my heart until I can really be sure. That will only come with time, however, I am extremely confident I have nothing to fear with this one.

What does that have to do with the title of this blog post? Just this: Believe that you deserve the life you want, and you will have it. Yes, you have to put in the work but you also have to believe it will happen or all your work will be for naught.

  1. here’s a hint: for the most part, I still don’t []
  2. whatever suits you best []
  3. given I wasn’t actually hurting anyone []
  4. both of which went horribly wrong []
  5. okay, maybe four []
  6. fucking hilarious actually []
  7. that last one is NOT a joke []
  8. though a girl can dream []
  9. so not his real name []

The last of the lie

This is an ode (to the last of the lie).

When you start to get to know someone; when you start to build a foundation for your relationship, you create certain stories together – most of them are true, at least in the context of your lives when you’re building.

When a relationship ends, after the turmoil, the pain, and the grieving is over sometimes there is this hope that remains. Hope that there was something about that foundation you built that is strong enough that maybe one day you could share that same bond again,  or any bond – perhaps something that resembles a friendship1.

Sometimes though, the stories are too far from the truth and you just have to let go of the last of the lie. This doesn’t make either of you a bad person. The lies were true when they were being told. They just weren’t truths you wanted to keep, so you let the truths go. And you begin to live other truths that sometimes contradict the truths you once owned.

And then there are other times when there’s something about that ‘lie’ that’s sticky. It clings on to the core of you and insists on providing you with glimpses of hope that the lie is worth holding on to. So you wait it out. And you wait, and wait. You find other things to focus on because as the light of the ‘lie’ grows fainter every day, you need other light sources. So you look forward, and fill your life with the light of things that don’t remind you that you once allowed someone to treat you like you deserved anything less than respect.

One day, you’ll be ready. You’ll look back on the ‘lie’ and be able to wish it the farewell it deserves. And you’ll be free to really move on.

Unti then, just breathe.

  1. something to truly be treasured. It isn’t a consolation prize to romance []

Happy Love Day!

This day. Sigh. I’ve got big plans for today, and they’re all about me. I’ve never spent this much time being this selfish. In the past when this day hit, and I was single I’d be spending all of my energy, time and money on trying to make my friends feel good but as I’ve said in a post that I haven’t quite published yet1, I left all my fucks with 34 year old me.

It’s easy to have a lot of feels on a day like today, when you’re someone who has a lot of feels in general. I’ve been numbing myself with work, work and more work2, and it’s been really great… but then you come across something like this post from Humans of NY, and you can’t help but call yourself out on your own bullshit.

This guy made me realize that I’ve been so lucky. So fucking lucky to have fallen in love as many times as I have, and to have had almost as many people fall in love with me. It doesn’t matter that they didn’t last. At least today, I won’t worry about that. Today I’ll celebrate the fact that I have ever felt that love at all because it could honestly be worse: I could be 35 years old, and have never felt movie-love like I have so, very, many times before.

(Rosario, Argentina)

“I’m thirty-four and I haven’t felt real love yet. Sometimes I think: ‘Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’ll never get to that point.’ I’ve had a couple of relationships. But a woman has never really made me feel jealous. And I’ve never felt that I would do anything to be with another person. I’ve read about real love in books, and seen it in movies, but I’ve never felt it. Like in the Titanic movie– they are trying so hard to be together. That is hard for me to understand. I’m not sure what that would feel like. There is one movie with Winona Ryder where she is about to join a monastery, but then she meets a gardener, and she kisses him, and suddenly she feels real love. I’m not sure what love feels like. But I’m guessing I’ll know when I feel it. Like Winona Ryder knew.”
Humans of NY

I’m also lucky to feel as amazing as I feel these days. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t change. The old me would still be sulking about my last big break-up, and holding on to god-knows-what as if holding on to the pain was the only way to prove that my love was real3. It serves no one. Get up. Stay up. But it’s also okay to fall and feel sad sometimes; don’t beat yourself up if that happens.

There is a part of me that is terrified of falling in love with someone new. I always manage to find someone amazing when I feel this good, only to inevitably realize that my wounds weren’t healed enough just as I really start to feel something for that person… and then it all goes to shit. I worry that my old pattern will simply repeat. I know what I need to do4, but that doesn’t make the act of doing it any easier when you’re in the moment and all your emotions are drowning you.

Anyway, there’s no sense in worrying about that now. This is the present. And today, I get to do some of my favourite things that I am going to keep private because I can. Just know that each moment of this day is going to bring me pure joy.

What are you doing to treat yourself today?

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  1. how’s that for a teaser? []
  2. don’t worry, I’m still having fun.. just not the kind I really want to be having but that’s for another post []
  3. awh bless []
  4. trust that I’ll be able to take the space I need to centre myself []