A long day ends with some retrospection

You know, it has been one heck of a wild ride. I would be more specific but I am not sure I can see when said ride began anymore -it was that long of a ride1!

Two years ago a very big chapter of my life ended. I wasn’t sure what to expect and I’m not so sure that the last two years is something I could have predicted. What it comes down to is that I know I’m ready to try my hand at a monogamous relationship again. As a bonus I’m also now in a headspace where I don’t feel an urgent need to find it2.

The last guy3, was unexpectedly spectacular but in retrospect he had many personality traits that I was overlooking. I get why his gut feeling was telling him that we weren’t that compatible; to be honest I think he would have driven me crazier than he already did in the oh-so-brief-but-freaking-intense romance that we shared. It still stings a little to think about so I know I’m not ready to have him in my life just yet… I just hope that I actually can one day4.

Then there is the other one. The one who really shook me up two years ago; wanting to make friends… wanting to re-connect. I don’t think I’m ready and to be completely honest, I’m not so sure I will ever be. Yes, I am the type of person who can forgive and forget anything but there is a certain comfort level that I need to have with the people I keep close to me ((What I’m trying not to say is that I simply need to be able to trust a person and I don’t think I can ever trust him again)).

Sigh. Boys5. I don’t even know what to say sometimes. Do you ever stop to think about what you’re saying to us women? I mean, if you were a father and some boy were saying the same things to your daughter -how would you feel? Enraged, I’m sure. Yet you don’t have a problem saying it to a girl you barely know or talk to? JUST because she’s nice and open minded? I’m pretty sure that is balls.

And I’m apartment hunting again. I really hope this is the last time for at least 2 years. After that I’m hoping any move I make is either to another city or… space? 😉

Making the effort to talk to my parents daily and/or see them more often seems to be helping things despite my obliviousness to the fact that said things needed help.

I need more time to think… but I should also get some sleep. Meep.

  1. Don’t get excited, I’m not about to tell you either… []
  2. at least not anymore… though I can’t quite explain why so I’m tempted to think that I’m in denial about it but only time will tell []
  3. who some of you know about []
  4. and hopefully soon []
  5. You can’t tell but I had to close my eyes and breathe for 15 seconds before I could continue writing []

Uncertainty, muddled beliefs and the benefits of doubt

I have always maintained that everyone deserves love1 but I am suddenly finding myself leaning towards the cynical side of life philosophy these days. It’s unnerving but also difficult to shake. I’ve had a lot of bad shit happen to me2 but I have always been able to bounce back into hope. Hope that things will always get better; hope that things always work out for a reason; hope that if you want something bad enough you’ll get it; hope that everyone deserves the best3.

Cynics4 would call me naive in thinking all that but all the ‘pain’ I’ve experienced in my life has been accompanied by amazing life lessons, experiences and memories that I would not trade for anything -no, not even a happy ending. Why? Because who’s to say what happy ending that would have been, and who’s to say it would have actually lasted? I almost had my so-called happy ending, at least according to some, but it didn’t happen because it wasn’t right for me.

Hope would have me believe that the reason it didn’t happen was precisely because it wasn’t right for me; this other side that is creeping into my life philosophy is telling me that I wouldn’t know because it didn’t happen -except that I do know. And so the battle goes. This weekend I witnessed5 some ridiculous behaviour by people. I say people because women are every bit as guilty of bullshit as women are. Yes, I include myself in this. It’s because we don’t know what we want; and if we do know what we want there’s no guarantee that what we want will remain the same for any given length of time.

And to top it off for the most part we are ashamed to admit that we don’t know what we want. Maybe we’re not ashamed; maybe we’re unsure of how to express it; maybe we’re unsure of how it will be received; maybe we don’t even realize that we’re doing someone else’s head in; maybe, maybe, maybe… whatever the reason the truth is that when it comes to emotions and/or sexuality6 our brains don’t function quite the same.

Going back to said bullshit, I should probably elaborate for curiousity’s sake but that’s just not how this goes so you’ll have to take my word for it and understand that the main thing is that there was disrespect displayed7 displayed in several unrelated scenarios that has compounded and made me question my entire belief system. Maybe I’m speaking too soon8 but if this keeps up I may just become a cynic.

I want to try. I want to be stronger than that; I don’t want to give in to the dark side but right now I just don’t think I have enough fight left in me.

I don’t have any questions today9.

  1. don’t worry I still do – mostly []
  2. once again I say: hence the name fragileheart []
  3. and gets it []
  4. they call themselves realistic; side note part two: I’m starting to believe them []
  5. and unfortunately was party to []
  6. as much as we try to convince ourselves, these are not mutually exclusive – try to argue with me all you want you ain’t convincing this chickidee []
  7. and that I am, regrettably, not innocent []
  8. and heavens-to-Betsy I freakin’ hope so []
  9. at least not ones I care to ask here []

I have a dream

No, not that kind of a dream sorry. I’m a little more self-centred than that1.

Naturally, the night I go to watch Inception I end up dreaming about the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. I could potentially draw his face if I had time or the desire to. What is more important is how he felt. Not physically, no -soulfully. The way his soul felt was familiar though his face was not. I have not met him yet.

We were on a sail boat. The sun was setting just behind his hips as he laid in front of me, facing me. He was speaking amicably about something, as we floated on the water making me think our anchor was dropped for the night. He smelt fresh. His skin freckled and slightly tanned. His wavy, blond hair gently blew in the wind as he threw his head to his left as he laughed about something I said. He was leaning on this left elbow. His lips were a gorgeous shade of reddish pink, the perfect accent to his striped navy and white, crew neck, knitted sweater and khaki pants rolled up just above his ankles. I have no recollection of the details of his feet and/or shoes. His ankles was sexy though.

He was older, and though I never saw myself I knew I was too. And I knew we made our dream come true -our dream to retire on a sail boat and sail around the world.

No wonder some people prefer to keep their head in the clouds.

I would just like to point out that I had this dream on Saturday…. and I still remember it quite vividly. The end.

  1. ok maybe a lot more []