Hindsight is 20/20

As I was catching up on some blogs, something that Rachel said a little while ago really made me realise just how early on I1 should have realised that it wasn’t going to work or that things were starting to fail. Scheduling a weekly skype night seems to make so much sense right now. How did either of us expect that our love would really survive the long distance for such a long time without making each other an actual priority? Simply ‘knowing’ that the other was a priority without really making the effort to do something as simple as scheduling a night to talk and catch up, is just asking for trouble.

Not that it was the single cause but it certainly would have been a good starting point. After that, maybe facing the fear of pissing each other off and fighting would have been another good step. Though that’s a difficult one; we started off fighting. I thought he hated me because his friends hated me. And then there were trust issues… so we started by fighting and it was understandable that neither of us wanted to fight over the long distance.

I know this could be an unhealthy exercise… looking back on why it fell apart2 and what could have saved it. But I think it’s a necessary exercise, so long as I put it away after this. And if I’m being honest? I don’t remember why I insisted so much that we were meant to be together other than I just ‘knew’. Yes, he made me laugh. But for the most part… me made me feel like shit about myself. He judged me because his friends judged me. Β Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t out right abuse me 24/7. He was very sweet to me3. And our interests did align, because I forced it to do so. It wasn’t until I moved to Dublin that he really turned around and started treating me the way I knew he could have treated me all along. I was in heaven.

I was devastated when I had to move back to Toronto, but I was optimistic because of how great everything was going. But even 9 months of a perfect relationship doesn’t just heal the past4. And the rest is history really. At least for now.

  1. we []
  2. especially when some would argue that the only reason it fell apart is because I cheated. I won’t argue, but I have to be realistic []
  3. in private quarters []
  4. unless the past issues were discussed and the air was cleared – which it wasn’t []

To sleepless nights, and full plates.

I wrote this a while ago (Mar 12), but I needed to keep it private. Now, I’m ok with sharing it.

Sleep; that is something I have not had much of this week. I wish I could tell you there was good reason for it. Frankly, it had a lot to do with a boy and a little to do with very full plate. The boy, has been the boy I wrote such great things about here, and here. The boy is no longer in the picture. The boy is no longer that great. That is all I am really willing to say. Ok I lied.

Still, I listen to a great piece of music and think of him. Still, I am in dance class and really feel the move and I think of him. Still, I think of a great line for a poem, or even for a quote and I think about sharing it with him. Still, I think about ways to make him proud of me. It is hard to let go of wanting to please someone like him. Someone who is so expressive, and passionate and sincere. At least I thought he was sincere. Maybe it is a coping mechanism, but I no longer think he is as sincere as I once thought he was.

This is partially an explanation for my silence this week, and partially necessary self-admission. I need to publicly admit that this is my reality – I fell for someone who fooled me into thinking he was someone he is not. But my reality also is that maybe I have it wrong; that he is that person but just not that person for me. Either way – whatever his truth is – I am still left here hurting. It is partially of my own doing. I am the one who has walked away. But I did not really feel like I had much of a choice. I wanted both of us to be able to remember something good about our brief time together, and I felt like if we had continued down the road we were stuck on there would be nothing of that happiness left.

I am certain that he does not loose even a quarter of the amount of sleep that I have lost over him; but it does not make me hate him (as much as I have tried). This is not because he does not deserve to be hated – some of my friends argue that he deserves all the hate that my ever-loving heart can muster. No, I do not hate him simply because at the end of the day I not only learned some valuable lessons – I have made one great friend. And even when you are left with a gaping hole in your chest, there is no room for regret when you are also left with valuable life lessons and a wonderful friend.

The night I looked him in the eyes and said I was done, he asked me if I at least felt a little bit better about myself and I did not want to answer him. I did not want to answer because I felt like by answering him I would be giving him the power that he was asking for. But I have decided that I do not want to play that game. The truth is what I want to play… and the truth is: Yes. That is what hurts so much. That he has given me such motivation but that I have no choice but to cut him out of my life – if that makes sense. Of course, I am doing all this for myself but there will always be a part of me that is also doing it for him. Or maybe I am just telling myself that.

We hope you have enjoyed this edition (we hope this is the first of few) of the nonsensical, emotional ramblings of a fragileheart. We hope to see the real fragileheart return in the near future…

Named days, and why I need them

Call me a sucker for days that are assigned to celebrate something in particular. Maybe it”s because I like keeping a schedule. Maybe it’s because I’m too lazy or busy to do it on any random day. But I like celebrating love on Valentine’s Day and I like celebrating family on Family Day. And you better believe I’m going to have myself some pancakes on Shrove Tuesday and that I will refrain from meat on Ash Wednesday.

It’s not like I don’t celebrate my family any other day of the year – but I like the idea that there’s a day when it’s not cheesy or corny or overly emotional to do so. There”s a line in the new movie, “Valentine’s Day” that Reed (played by Ashton Kutcher) says something like, “I love Valentine”s Day. I can be as corny and be as crazy in love as I want and no one is going to think I”m crazy because everyone is in love on Valentine”s Day!”. That”s how I feel about Valentine’s Day. Because I love to love. I”m not going to deny it, I do. I”ve always loved being in love but that hasn’t helped me have a successful relationship… so I’m putting that on hold (sort of). But that”s not what this post is about.

My last post wasn’t a cry for help like my pre-Christmas post was; I was just… trying to let go of some of the emotions I was feeling about Valentine’s Day. I actually had a pretty good weekend thanks to great friends and family (and a certain someone else who made me smile on several occasions this weekend).

The thing is, I like the idea that there is one day that a large percentage of the population mentally and emotionally come together to celebrate something as wonderful as love. Yes, couples can celebrate their love any (and hopefully every) day of the year… but there is something magical that happens when seemingly everyone around you celebrates their love with you (but not literally of course) – imagine applying an exponent to love… and that exponent, when the love is celebrated with the right person is ?.

“…And love. Love above all. No… not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening, but love that… over-throws life. Unbiddable, ungovernable – like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture. Love – like there has never been in a play.”
— Gwyneth Paltrow in Shakespeare in Love.

Happy Family Day!