There one where I get a little cynical

love

I’m a hopeless romantic, and I think that’s my biggest problem1, the fact that I’m hopeless about romance. I think that while I was growing up, the notion of being hopelessly romantic was the best because it meant that one would be romantic no matter what; that you would choose love, no matter what.

Now that I’m older, and not less prone to my impulses, I’ve come to the realization that it’s pretty stupid silly to be hopeless about the subject of love and romance. Being a hopeless romantic means that you are the type who would do anything for the person who is lucky enough to earn a place in your heart. “Ain’t no mountain high enough, Ain’t no valley low enough, Ain’t no river wide enough, To keep me from you”; and other such unrealistic proclamations, these are the sort of things you’d hear someone – who was a hopeless romantic – utter. It’s lovely, isn’t it? Doesn’t it awaken those butterflies in your stomach? Make your heart race, and your palms sweat? Me. Too.

Of course, as I’ve already stated – all that romantic stuff is unrealistic. You swoon while you make promises of such grand gestures and your ‘love’ is elated because, “Oh my god, you’d do all that for me? I feel so special”. Of course, unless you back it up with actions that demonstrate your dedication, you’re just a liar. Maybe that’s a little unfair – maybe you didn’t mean to lie about the things you’d do to make the other person happy; maybe you had every intention to do those things but life got in the way. Either way, it still proves my point – being a hopeless romantic is really one being just hopeless. Maybe there’s nothing romantic about it all. We were just taught to think so.

Now say, you’re on the other side of that coin and you are the one who needs to hear such proclamations of adoration to truly feel loved. Well, you’re fucked too aren’t you?. The odds of you meeting someone who a) will adore you enough to speak to you like Romeo spoke to Juliet, b) will actually mean every word they say, and c) will share your hopeless romanticism is smaller than… something with really small odds2.

All I’m trying to say is that once upon a time, I believed in Once Upon a Time. And now I realize that all those fairy tales ended in a wedding or a marriage to someone they barely knew, with no follow-up story for how their lives actually played out. All that we were told was that they lived “happily ever after”, but we were never given proof. So I think it’s time to put away my hopes of finding the kind of adoration that I am, seemingly, cursed to feel for my partner. It’s time I realize that the way I love is the way that I love, and that anyone else I may pair up with isn’t going to love me the same way, but that doesn’t mean they love me any less. I guess.

So far, I’ve always known what I know about love. But for the first time in my life, I’m really unsure. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

  1. when it comes to relationships []
  2. I am not a statistician []

So this is how it feels

Samuli Ikäheimo on Flickr: ilotulituspari - firework couple

It’s funny how your life can change without you noticing or even thinking twice about what is happening. I’ve been dreaming a lot since I’ve started staying over here1. They’ve been interesting dreams. The kind of dreams that make me think I watch too much television, too many movies or read too many stories. Of course, I’m well aware that there is no such thing as too much of any of that.

I’m surprised at how easy everything is. I’m even more surprised that I swoon every day. I used to think that if something was going to be this easy, that it would have to be boring. There is nothing boring about this. The inside jokes keep piling on top of each other, making my smile grow larger and larger with each day that passes.

I know it won’t always be easy. There are things that have to happen in the future that will be difficult, but they aren’t things that either of us have to worry about now. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if we found a way to make that easy too. Being on the same page with someone is easy when your priority is to remain on the same page with each other. It’s the kind of thing that makes you feel all the things. The good things, the bad things but especially the great things.

Against all my will and might, I was losing hope that I’d ever get to connect with anyone like this again. Mind you, I’d never lose hope completely because that’s just not who I am2 but it was getting pretty hard down in that rabbit hole. The sun’s out now though, and the best thing about all this is that even when it isn’t I know he’ll be there beside me, holding my hand.

  1. where here is, is for me to know and you to wonder about for all your days []
  2. eternal optimists for the win! []

Because sometimes you just have to blog things out loud

I’ve experienced rejection. In fact, I’d like to say I experience rejection on a daily basis because I ask for things even if I’m afraid to ask for them1. But this one rejection has shaken me to my core… and I can’t figure out why.

Logic would tell me that based on his actions that contradict the words he used means that he isn’t the person I thought he was and should be written off. But another line of logic tells me that the person I thought he was would have a reasonable explanation for his actions2. And so I get stuck in this loop.

If he was the good person that I thought he was: the person who would only do something because he thinks it is the most respectful way of treating me then that means I am not a worthy person. But I know that I am a worthy person. That means that he isn’t the good person that I thought he was. And I don’t like writing people off that easily. I think it’s rude. I don’t think he has done anything to intentionally hurt me and so it doesn’t warrant my being rude.

But continuing to believe that he is as good a person as I thought he was hurts me on a level I have no experience with. I’m dealing with it but it’s going to take a lot of time. Time that I feel I could have saved if he had respected me in the first place and just told me the truth: either he never wanted to be friends or he just can’t handle being friends with me right now. If he did tell me the latter, I didn’t understand him clearly enough. But I’m not going to reach out again so I’ll never know.

There is so much more going on that I want to write about but I’ve run out of time. I’m off to see 50/50 with the lovely Ashley Gibson.

Oh but quickly before I go: Thank you so much to the smoking hot Raymi for the shout-out on her blog. I feel like I’m on fire 😉

Also, did you know that I love Christine Estima <3

  1. to some of you this will come as a complete shock because to you it won’t appear like I ask for much at all but believe me that I do []
  2. or lack thereof []