Doing what you love

I love the feeling of having a keyboard under my fingertips, or even just writing words down with a pen and paper. I guess for the most part, I just love words. I love the way words can make you feel certain ways, and either make everything crystal clear or confuse the heck out of you.

I love the feeling of air vibrating and travelling from my diaphragm1 and leaving my mouth in a (hopefully) pleasant sound. I love the way, when you really get into it, I feel like I’m singing with my entire body with minimal effort. It mostly feels like the warmest, safest embrace and partially feels like that kiss that tells you this is the beginning of a long, beautiful night.
I love meeting someone new and only telling them things you want them to hear, before you get to the point of deciding whether or not you want to share your deepest darkest secrets with them. But more importantly, I love the point where you discover that the new person you met is able to accept your deepest, darkest secrets and still care about you.

And right now2, I am loving not being in-love. I feel like I’m so ready to be in-love again but the walls around this fragile heart have grown pretty resilient. I may have been the one to end my last relationship, but it doesn’t mean that my heart was any less broken. I want to be in-love, but I know better than to fall in love with someone just because something works, right now. And so for the time being, all the love I’m so ready to give has been diverted to friends and what a wonderful feeling it is to truly love another person without the romantic implications or familial ties.

Here’s hoping I am able to channel all this love into some happy poetry for once.

What do you love?

  1. I think we established that I love singing, but I thought I would re-iterate []
  2. because I don’t think this is permanent []

Media Whatever

Yes, I still watch Heroes and Grey’s Anatomy but you see this life of mine has taken an unexpected turn that I’m not at liberty to discuss.. but that doesn’t make things any easier. It certainly doesn’t make it easy for me to write about Heroes and/or keep track of what happened when. So I’m going to have to quit, which saddens me because I don’t have enough people to talk about Heroes with in my life. So if anyone needs to chat about Heroes on twitter: let me know!

Yesterday, we celebrated Canadian Thanksgiving and I’m sad to say that I’m now dreading Christmas. Like seriously dreading it because I don’t know how I’m going to get through it. For those of you who know the full story, you’ll understand why1. I kept busy though and it was about all that kept me from breaking down, but I won’t be able to keep this busy for long…

I feel like I’m floating without much direction. Then again I’ve been feeling like that for a while, except before I felt like there was still something tying me down. I still do, but with weaker rope. It’s such a funny feeling to float around, yet feel like you’re not getting anywhere useful. I’ve written so much poetry in the last few months but nothing I feel comfortable sharing just yet. They’re still very raw, and a little juvenile. I’ll have to dig out some of my old poems too and see if I can find something to refine, because I’m feeling a lot of similar feelings right now.

I have also been listening to a lot of Damien Rice lately. A lot of his fans are really disappointed that he and Lisa Hannigan have parted ways but personally, I love this version of Rootless Tree:

How are you doing these days?

  1. for those who don’t please feel free to DM me on twitter and I’ll explain, but I can’t write about it in public []

Monday Madness: Final 100 random things about fragileheart

So, who thought I had forgotten about the final 25? Tsk tsk. I guess you don’t know me that well… even after all this revelation. Anyway, enjoy the last bits of me:

  1. I was Prom Queen in HS1.
  2. I don’t think it means as much as some people make it out to be.
  3. I am in debt and have only really begun to amend my situation this year. This debt is not due to University but due to my own lack of self-control.
  4. Balance is something that’s extremely prevalent in my life. If something goes extremely well, I can be guaranteed something will go extremely wrong. I have no examples to give to you at this point in time.
  5. My online moniker is fragileheart because when I was 16 I got my heart shattered to a million pieces. I was a huge fan of Jewel (still am) and she had a song called, “Fragile Heart” that perfectly described how I was feeling.
  6. The chorus went along the lines of, “The Surgeon’s general should do their part; warning, beware, be careful, fragile heart”. Its been 11 years and I still use that name online.
  7. When you google fragileheart, I’m pretty sure I’m first in the results. But when you google Fragile Heart, the lyrics to the song by Yolanda is first.
  8. I’ve fallen in love and gotten my heart broken at least 5 times. I don’t regret a thing.
  9. Despite the last few points you just read, I actually don’t have a very fragile heart2.
  10. I believe that pain is there to remind us that we’re still alive. When you stop feeling pain, your life stops being worth living. It means you’re not fighting for something worthwhile.
  11. I’m a very understanding person. Provided you give me something to understand. If you talk to me, I will force myself to understand your situation or position but if you assume I will figure it out for myself – I won’t.
  12. I guess this means I’m not as perceptive as I like to think I am.
    Or it could be due to the fact that I don’t like to assume things about people.
  13. I don’t like to exercise. I will wear myself out doing any sort of activity but ask me to do some repetitive exercises and I’ll run away3.
  14. I dislike negative nancies (or normans); People can disagree with something but you don’t have to be negative or insulting to get your point across.
  15. I believe that people make their own luck; if you think you’ve got bad luck then that is all that the universe will throw at you.
  16. I’ve gotten myself in many undesireable situations because I’m too nice to say no to people. I’m learning to get better, but its a slow process.
  17. There’s a quote from Heroes that scares me, “To be truly happy a man must live absolutely in the present. No thought of what has gone before and no thought of what lies ahead… but a for a life of meaning, a man is condemned to wallow in the past and obsess about the future.” It scares me because I believe there is truth to it.
  18. My short term memory is horrible. I have to write things down to remember them and sometimes even that fails me. Because of this, I sincerely dislike voicemail messages. Especially at work. I will reply to you within 2 seconds if you email me, I may take 2 hours4 to reply if you leave me a voicemail.
  19. I have a birth mark on the inside of my left thigh in the shape of a heart5, and my Dad has the same birth mark.
  20. I’m not sure I know myself. This is because I’m constantly struggling between the person that I am6 and the person that I would like to be.
  21. I would honestly prefer to believe that everyone is inately good, but I’m not oblivious to the fact that some people are just evil. Unfortunately, I don’t know the answer as to why.
  22. I am nice to strangers. But as soon as someone shows me any un-deserved negativity, I tend to return the favour three-fold.
  23. I love giving people presents. I also love receiving presents but just because I give you one doesn’t mean I expect one from you.
  24. My bladder must be the size of a clementine, I usually have to go very often. More so when I’m cold than when I’m warm though.
  25. I re-ordered this list at least 5 times to make sure all related topics stick together. I guess this means I don’t know the meaning of ‘random’. It was difficult to decide where to cut off all four parts, but I decided to go for the numberical values rather than by topic.

Other posts in this series:
100 random things about fragileheart – Part 1 of 4.
100 random things about fragileheart – Part 2 of 4.
100 random things about fragileheart – Part 3 of 4.
Final 100 random things about fragileheart7.

  1. VPSS []
  2. anymore []
  3. or punch you hehe []
  4. if not more []
  5. its not a perfect heart but you’d recognise it as a heart if you ever saw it []
  6. whoever she may be []
  7. you are here []