I don’t know about you, but it’s been a whirlwind of a year so far. It started off a little slow, but picked up the kind of speed that I imagine a ‘whirling dervish’ would.
I feel so very different than I ever used to. I don’t know how I shook it, but I have so much less guilt over things these days. It’s become easier to accept the things I can’t change, nor control and to just let them be. it’s also become easier to recognise them which is really nice. I also care a heck of a lot less about pleasing people, and as cliche as it sounds, I feel so much lighter for it.
There are some things missing from my life1… but I have faith that everything will come in time. There are relationships in my life that began to make me feel a little bit of pressure to find what I’m looking for, romantically, and it was very tempting to get frustrated that it’s not materialising sooner but then I just look at my never-ending-to-do-list and forget all about that. Thank goodness for priorities. Thank goodness for work.
I’m excited2 for the change of season that’s around the corner. Partially because one of my favourite events of year will be happening around that time, but also because it means I can hopefully have a yard sale and get rid of some a lot of the clutter around this house.
I know it might seem silly to wait to get rid of it all but I can’t afford to just give everything away. I need to try to make some money back. I won’t make much, but I will make more than I would if I were to give everything away for free. I had been using the Bunz app to try to trade the things I no longer need for other things but life, and work got too busy and scheduling and flakers get exhausting.
Last year, I sent out an open invitation to joy and it helped me get through a very difficult time. This year, I’m sending an open invitation out to romance. I’m ready. I’m also done chasing it for myself. I know what I’m looking for; I know what I want. I also know what it looks like and what it feels like. I’m also not afraid to say no anymore. So, let’s see what this new season and this year brings. Of course, the invitation for joy remains open; that’s why it’s so much easier to come by these days.
not just in the romance department, though that is definitely included [↩]
and slightly terrified – hello global warming! [↩]
Something is working. My open invitation to Joy seems to have worked, though I still find myself experiencing more moments of melancholy more often than I’d like. I am working on finding the source, and either eliminating said source or attempting to amend the situation though – I wish I could say more than that, but it really isn’t something I’m willing to talk about here just yet.
There were many things I wanted to write about for this week but as I walked through the city during sunset after an epic 90 minute yoga class, listening to my latest audio book1… I couldn’t help but feel so full in my heart. It was the first 90 minute class I have been to since I started taking Yoga again after a two year hiatus. And as I sat in front of my computer, all I wanted to do was capture this feeling in words.
Truth be told, I didn’t even remember that it was a 90 minute class. It was not an easy class. We held each pose for at least two more breaths than usual, there were many options to take the stretch deeper with each pose; options that I took as often as I could. I came out of the class feeling so incredibly calm, and strong. My face couldn’t help but maintain a smile the entire walk home. I wanted to go for a run, but I still had to do laundry and make and eat dinner; and I wanted to go to be a good girl and go to bed early so I could wake up early and have a relaxed morning before work.
That class was the proof I needed that I am getting better; that my efforts are worthwhile; that I am getting closer to the me that I lost so many years ago. I’m not just revelling in the physical benefits that I am getting from Yoga either. I’ve learned some pretty bad behaviours in the last two years; behaviours that, when mixed with my highly emotional and passionate demeanour, only spell trouble for the life of zen and calm that I so crave. Yoga, and a few of my own exercises and practices are slowly but surely chipping away at these bad behaviours; and I can only hope the changes will last a lifetime since I’m doing them so mindfully this time around.
The rest of my evening was quiet and satisfying. What caused me to welcome the joyful cry that came to me after I devoured my dinner, was that it2 is within reach again. And that’s enough to make me feel full of zen and calm right there.
One day at a time. One moment a time. And for heaven’s sake, breathe.
No silly, not the end of the world. But the end of summer, anyway. This photo was taken in the summer of 2006, a few days before I was leaving my parents to follow my heart1. There’s an area in Toronto called Leslie Pitt, and it’s where my parents like to go cycling. They used to go cycling every weekend before my Mum had an operation on her knee. As a ‘you’re leaving us soon’ favour to my Dad I agreed to go with them. Naturally, I had the time of my life as I got to enjoy a beautiful area and go to take beautiful photos like this. There are many more in this set, but I didn’t upload all of them to flickr because they featured close ups of my parents.
I like this photo not just because it’s a nice sunset picture, but because it’ll forever remind me of that first summer I realised that I actually enjoy spending time with my parents. I think maybe this was one of the first days that we did something as three adults and it may have forever shaped the way our relationship developed once I returned home from living abroad.
Do you have a good relationship with your parents? When did you first realise you liked them as people, and not just as your parents?