A long day ends with some retrospection

You know, it has been one heck of a wild ride. I would be more specific but I am not sure I can see when said ride began anymore -it was that long of a ride1!

Two years ago a very big chapter of my life ended. I wasn’t sure what to expect and I’m not so sure that the last two years is something I could have predicted. What it comes down to is that I know I’m ready to try my hand at a monogamous relationship again. As a bonus I’m also now in a headspace where I don’t feel an urgent need to find it2.

The last guy3, was unexpectedly spectacular but in retrospect he had many personality traits that I was overlooking. I get why his gut feeling was telling him that we weren’t that compatible; to be honest I think he would have driven me crazier than he already did in the oh-so-brief-but-freaking-intense romance that we shared. It still stings a little to think about so I know I’m not ready to have him in my life just yet… I just hope that I actually can one day4.

Then there is the other one. The one who really shook me up two years ago; wanting to make friends… wanting to re-connect. I don’t think I’m ready and to be completely honest, I’m not so sure I will ever be. Yes, I am the type of person who can forgive and forget anything but there is a certain comfort level that I need to have with the people I keep close to meΒ ((What I’m trying not to say is that I simply need to be able to trust a person and I don’t think I can ever trust him again)).

Sigh. Boys5. I don’t even know what to say sometimes. Do you ever stop to think about what you’re saying to us women? I mean, if you were a father and some boy were saying the same things to your daughter -how would you feel? Enraged, I’m sure. Yet you don’t have a problem saying it to a girl you barely know or talk to? JUST because she’s nice and open minded? I’m pretty sure that is balls.

And I’m apartment hunting again. I really hope this is the last time for at least 2 years. After that I’m hoping any move I make is either to another city or… space? πŸ˜‰

Making the effort to talk to my parents daily and/or see them more often seems to be helping things despite my obliviousness to the fact that said things needed help.

I need more time to think… but I should also get some sleep. Meep.

  1. Don’t get excited, I’m not about to tell you either… []
  2. at least not anymore… though I can’t quite explain why so I’m tempted to think that I’m in denial about it but only time will tell []
  3. who some of you know about []
  4. and hopefully soon []
  5. You can’t tell but I had to close my eyes and breathe for 15 seconds before I could continue writing []

Uncertainty, muddled beliefs and the benefits of doubt

I have always maintained that everyone deserves love1 but I am suddenly finding myself leaning towards the cynical side of life philosophy these days. It’s unnerving but also difficult to shake. I’ve had a lot of bad shit happen to me2 but I have always been able to bounce back into hope. Hope that things will always get better; hope that things always work out for a reason; hope that if you want something bad enough you’ll get it; hope that everyone deserves the best3.

Cynics4 would call me naive in thinking all that but all the ‘pain’ I’ve experienced in my life has been accompanied by amazing life lessons, experiences and memories that I would not trade for anything -no, not even a happy ending. Why? Because who’s to say what happy ending that would have been, and who’s to say it would have actually lasted? I almost had my so-called happy ending, at least according to some, but it didn’t happen because it wasn’t right for me.

Hope would have me believe that the reason it didn’t happen was precisely because it wasn’t right for me; this other side that is creeping into my life philosophy is telling me that I wouldn’t know because it didn’t happen -except that I do know. And so the battle goes. This weekend I witnessed5 some ridiculous behaviour by people. I say people because women are every bit as guilty of bullshit as women are. Yes, I include myself in this. It’s because we don’t know what we want; and if we do know what we want there’s no guarantee that what we want will remain the same for any given length of time.

And to top it off for the most part we are ashamed to admit that we don’t know what we want. Maybe we’re not ashamed; maybe we’re unsure of how to express it; maybe we’re unsure of how it will be received; maybe we don’t even realize that we’re doing someone else’s head in; maybe, maybe, maybe… whatever the reason the truth is that when it comes to emotions and/or sexuality6 our brains don’t function quite the same.

Going back to said bullshit, I should probably elaborate for curiousity’s sake but that’s just not how this goes so you’ll have to take my word for it and understand that the main thing is that there was disrespect displayed7 displayed in several unrelated scenarios that has compounded and made me question my entire belief system. Maybe I’m speaking too soon8 but if this keeps up I may just become a cynic.

I want to try. I want to be stronger than that; I don’t want to give in to the dark side but right now I just don’t think I have enough fight left in me.

I don’t have any questions today9.

  1. don’t worry I still do – mostly []
  2. once again I say: hence the name fragileheart []
  3. and gets it []
  4. they call themselves realistic; side note part two: I’m starting to believe them []
  5. and unfortunately was party to []
  6. as much as we try to convince ourselves, these are not mutually exclusive – try to argue with me all you want you ain’t convincing this chickidee []
  7. and that I am, regrettably, not innocent []
  8. and heavens-to-Betsy I freakin’ hope so []
  9. at least not ones I care to ask here []

Named days, and why I need them

Call me a sucker for days that are assigned to celebrate something in particular. Maybe it”s because I like keeping a schedule. Maybe it’s because I’m too lazy or busy to do it on any random day. But I like celebrating love on Valentine’s Day and I like celebrating family on Family Day. And you better believe I’m going to have myself some pancakes on Shrove Tuesday and that I will refrain from meat on Ash Wednesday.

It’s not like I don’t celebrate my family any other day of the year – but I like the idea that there’s a day when it’s not cheesy or corny or overly emotional to do so. There”s a line in the new movie, “Valentine’s Day” that Reed (played by Ashton Kutcher) says something like, “I love Valentine”s Day. I can be as corny and be as crazy in love as I want and no one is going to think I”m crazy because everyone is in love on Valentine”s Day!”. That”s how I feel about Valentine’s Day. Because I love to love. I”m not going to deny it, I do. I”ve always loved being in love but that hasn’t helped me have a successful relationship… so I’m putting that on hold (sort of). But that”s not what this post is about.

My last post wasn’t a cry for help like my pre-Christmas post was; I was just… trying to let go of some of the emotions I was feeling about Valentine’s Day. I actually had a pretty good weekend thanks to great friends and family (and a certain someone else who made me smile on several occasions this weekend).

The thing is, I like the idea that there is one day that a large percentage of the population mentally and emotionally come together to celebrate something as wonderful as love. Yes, couples can celebrate their love any (and hopefully every) day of the year… but there is something magical that happens when seemingly everyone around you celebrates their love with you (but not literally of course) – imagine applying an exponent to love… and that exponent, when the love is celebrated with the right person is ?.

“…And love. Love above all. No… not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening, but love that… over-throws life. Unbiddable, ungovernable – like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture. Love – like there has never been in a play.”
— Gwyneth Paltrow in Shakespeare in Love.

Happy Family Day!