Communicating *is* simple

I’m not sure why, but for the last few weeks the thought has consumed me and it’s filling me with regret. I don’t like living with regret. Whenever I start to regret something that’s in the past, I force myself to look at what I can learn from it and eventually forgive myself for whatever it was. But this regret, this one is going to be a little harder because it’s something that I had been doing over and over again for many years.

The thought, the.. regret that I am living with is that I always used to think that my significant other should be able to read my mind. I know, it’s ridiculous right? But all my teenage life1 that is how I handled my relationships. And bravo to the guys who managed to read my mind2 because they got rewarded with my undying affection. But as you can imagine, I was met with more disappointment than pleasant surprises with this frame of mind.

I used to think that as soon as I told my significant other what it was I wanted them to do, I didn’t want them to do it anymore because it wasn’t of their own volition. And my dear friend hindsight finally showed me a couple3 years ago that it is okay to tell someone how I want them to act or re-act to me. It’s still hard. For me.

It’s hard for me to remember that it’s ok to tell someone that I need them to just hear me and not get mad at me right now. It’s hard to imagine that someone won’t get offended when you tell them that you just need some alone time. It’s nearly impossible to think that someone will understand when you tell them your darkest thoughts and still be around when you come out.

True to regret, if I had known when I was a teenager that it was ok to speak such thoughts4 maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t feel so lonely most of the time.

  1. and then some []
  2. or just happen to whatever it was that I wanted them to []
  3. yes, couple… as in two []
  4. to anyone, not just a significant other… this rule applies to friends too []

Drifting: does it always feel as good as it feels bad?

My dear friend and fellow blogger Erica of Fiveblondes.com, shared something really personal the other day and it got me thinking about the times I’ve done something similar to someone else. Granted if it was someone I was that1 close to, I would have been more honest… but that’s me. The thing is that I’m guilty of drifting… and sometimes2 out right ignoring the other person and sometimes… even totally out of the blue3.

I was living in Dublin and about to come home for a dear friend’s4 wedding. Maria5 started emailing me… about a textbook I borrowed from her the spring before, our last exam season together.  I wasn’t going to be in town for very long and I had a lot that I wanted to accomplish while I was here6 and her asking me for this text book really irked me7. I still don’t know why, because it’s not a complicated request… in fact it was a very simple request but I guess it was the simplicity of the request combined with the limited time I had that didn’t sit too well with me.

Perhaps too it was because she didn’t ask me if I wanted to meet up for drinks or any other social gathering… no, she asked me to bring the textbook to the wedding. To. The. Wedding. A wedding that was not taking place in Toronto. A wedding where I will be wearing something that can’t really get accessorized by a textbook.

Now, bless my Mum for playing along with this but I asked her to mail the textbook to Maria or at least try and organise it so that Maria could pick up the text from my Mum’s office8 so that I wouldn’t have to give her to textbook at the wedding. I don’t remember what actually happened, but I know she got it in the end.

At the wedding, I was polite as we shared a table with about 6 other people and our dates9 but I didn’t need to focus on trying not to talk to her because the rest of the table was just so much fun and the two of them just sat there like zombies, with barely a smile on their faces10.

After the wedding, I remember getting an email from her asking me what happened to us. It went on to talk about how we used to be so close and etc. I never replied to the email but it is still in my archives… I’m not sure I ever will really. And the sad thing is that I don’t really feel like there’s been anything missing in my life since she’s been gone from it.

Now, even though you’re my brain twin, I feel the need to specify this: Erica, I don’t think this story is similar to yours because honestly if you were gone from my life I know for sure there would be something missing – and I can only imagine that feeling is mutual for anyone who has met you.. because let’s face it, you’re freakin’ awesome. You see Maria unfortunately wasn’t so awesome… in fact, she was extremely negative. And who needs that in their life right? I wasn’t trying to find an explanation for why that girl11 essentially shunned you like she did but if I had to guess, it would be because she simply went insane. The end12.

Imagine you’re in an inflatable raft without oars at sea. You start out near the shore and slowly, but surely you start drifting farther and farther away from it. If you ignore your qualms, drifting starts to feel good – almost freeing… but there’s always that nagging voice at the back of your head that makes the drifting feel not-so-good. I feel like this good-bad feeling combo also applies to when you’re drifting apart from someone you either used to care about a lot or just used to spend a lot of time with. Of course the good to bad ratio varies depending on how much you cared about said person in the first place.

So what I want to know is this, have you ever been in a situation where drifting apart13 hasn’t felt good and bad at the same time?

  1. as in as close as Eri was to that girl – no she doesn’t get a name in my story []
  2. ok, maybe just one time []
  3. seemingly, to the other person []
  4. who I haven’t seen in over two years actually… perhaps this can be partially explained by this post… hm… []
  5. name has been changed to protect… her []
  6. and by accomplish, I mean drink []
  7. read: annoyed the fuck outta []
  8. which is at our University []
  9. I brought my not-so little brother, she brought her bf who I’m pretty sure she’s still with []
  10. did I mention it was a wedding-and-therefore-a-happy-occasion-I-thought-so []
  11. yeah, still no name for her on my blog []
  12. well, not really the end, there’s more… see below []
  13. whether intentional or not []

Living without facebook: a log.

Warning: This is a very long post. I know I’ve said that I don’t do long posts but… well… its a feakin’ log. What do you want from me?

So I decided sometime in the evening on Ash Wednesday1 2009 to deactivate my facebook account. The decision was not that hard, and my movements were swift. I hesitated only to read the fine print on the deactivation page, then quickly selected “This is temporary. I’ll be back” as my reason for doing so. There was no point in lying about it, I knew I couldn’t live without it forever. Below is my thoughts/tribulations/report on my progress until such time that I break this fast:

Thu, Feb 27 @ 12:32: So far so good. I’ve only almost clicked on my bookmark once. I did realise though that I was entirely too reliant on facebook to look for people to go out with. So I resorted to email and text messages. Next, I might actually make a phone call2.

14:49: Um. I’m craving cookies. I never crave cookies and I’m blaming my decision to quit facebook cold turkey for this craving. I can’t even have cookies because I gave up junk food for lent. Thank goodness for clementines3.

16:55: Its the end of the day and I’m winding down from work mode. This is usually another key time that I check up on my facebook account. I haven’t gone crazy yet but I am still craving cookies. Will be eating plenty of smartfood later today. Gah.

20:43: I only managed to stay away for this long because I was out running errands and then having dinner. And damn American Idol has taken over CTV tonight so CSI has been pushed to 9pm and there is no Grey’s Anatomy4. We ate early so that I could start watching my shows at 8… and now I have to wait until 9. I’m itching to activate my account but… I must… resist.

I actually had to log in earlier because I realised that someone that I had just found didn’t have my contact information and we’re trying to plan for me to visit her out west5 but I was in and out like a woman cheating on Jenny Craig with McDonald’s. Has it been 40 days yet?

Also, I’ve deleted my bookmarks to avoid further tempation.

Fri, Feb 27 @ 10:15: I had a teensy bit of work to look after when I got in this morning. It lasted about an hour and now I’m itching. I’m trying to find someone *else* to take to a DJ gig in the third week of March and no one in my email list or phone list would go with me. I would usually resort to looking for someone on facebook… but… I cut off that life line didn’t I? Gah.

The problem is that pre-sale tickets are only $25. They will most likely be $35 in a week or so and $45 if purchased at the door6. I would prefer to find someone now. I could buy my ticket and hope to find someone to go with. I could go on my own7 or I could sell my ticket the night of, but I’d rather not be stuck doing that.

16:04: Huh? Huh? I did well no? Actually, I was pretty busy with work today so I didn’t have time to think about facebook. But alas, here we are near the end of the day again. Being Friday, obviously my ‘wind-down’ starts a bit earlier. Also, I found someone to go to the DJ gig with me which eliminated my ‘need’ to contact anyone else on facebook. Yay!

Tue, Mar 3 @ 16:47: I know it may seem like I’ve gone a few days without thinking of facebook but its a complete farce. The weekend was a little easier to live without facebook because I wasn’t sitting at a desk for the entire day. Also, I had to reformat the laptop so when I was at home I wasn’t able to sit at the computer and do anything except click ‘Next >’.

I’ve gotten a few messages from people who have said they miss me on facebook, and it pulled at my heart but I had to stay strong. I have discovered though who some of my favourites are. They are people in my real life who appreciate my love for my blog and have crossed the boundary of commenting on my posts. You know who you are and I have mad love for you.

23:32: I’m about to go to bed and for some reason, all I want to do is log in and see if anyone has posted any pictures up. I believe the phrase is, “What the fuck?!”

Fri, Mar 6 @ 13:25: I’m laughing because people have only started to notice that I am not on facebook anymore. People who usually try to arrange things via facebook messaging or events8. I’ve already considered going back because I want to organise a karaoke night a week from now. But I’ve decided to try email first. If that doesn’t work in the next day or two, I’ll start using the phone. *gasp* What is happening to me?!

Mon, Mar 9 @ 23:33: Don’t think I was some sort of super-woman to have been able to stay away from the log and facebook for the entire weekend. Oh no. I am no super-anything… except maybe super-addicted. I only managed to stay off both because I was on twitter for the entire weekend. And I decided to clean up my music files. I almost gave it again tonight because someone invited me to a super secret event that they were organising through facebook9 but lucky for me they agreed to include me via email! I can’t wait either – its going to be such a rocking good time.

Wed, Mar 17 @ 23:44: Ok so its been more than a week since I’ve logged anything regarding facebook… I think it has more to do with the fact that I’ve managed to keep myself busy without turning to facebook for social interaction. And really, that was the whole point of this exercise in the first place so I guess I can say that I’ve succeeded. Either that or the drinks I’ve had for 2009’s St. Patrick’s day have finally kicked in and I have no idea what I’m talking about… 😉

Fri, Mar 20 @ 15 :47: I really want to go back on facebook now. But at the same time I’ve had such a relaxed time away from it that I’m not sure I ever want to go back. Sure there is a void in those moments that I’m bored10, and I wonder if its enough to make me go back. I think not wanting to miss out on events would be the biggest reason to go back – since that is apparently the new way the world wants to organise events. I got a text from an old friend who never logs into facebook stating that he almost forgot to invite me to his birthday celebration because I wasn’t on facebook. WTF?! What is this world coming to?

Tue, Mar 24 @ 14:35: Ok so it’s official. The one thing that sucks about living without facebook these days is that most people use it as the chosen method to organise events. I’m trying to organise a karaoke night this coming weekend and I can think of about 6 other people I could add to my list if I were still on facebook. I’m tempted to log back in just to take down their email addresses but I know I’ll be tempted to look for other updates if I do. I must be strong!

  1. February 25 []
  2. blasphemy! []
  3. gag []
  4. I’m screaming bloody MURDER here!! []
  5. Ooh a trip outside of Ontario but within Canada! []
  6. if not more []
  7. The people that go to these gigs always leave you alone as soon as you say no anyway []
  8. so basically, people like me []
  9. damnit, why does everyone do that?! []
  10. all though I’m usually only bored if I do silly things like skip Hot Yoga []