I was supposed to go on a first date this past Friday. He had given me his number while I was at a meeting in a bar with some colleagues. He was at the bar with his friends and had asked our server to ask if I was single. I know right? That doesn’t happen anymore. Going off of online dating sites and apps was already proving to be a good idea, simply based on how much more I was enjoying life. Anyway, we texted a bit for a couple of days and tentatively made plans for Friday; said we’d touch base on Friday, and I also warned him that I would not be very responsive during the two days when I was working at a conference. I messaged him kind of late on Friday since it was a little difficult to gather myself that day1. I didn’t hear from him, so I stayed in and relaxed. I could have gone to a Halloween party, but home was just so cozy when you’ve been going non-stop while trying to fight a cough & cold.
I actually avoided Halloween all together this year. It’s the first year in all my life when I wasn’t excited to dress up. I usually love the excuse to pretend and get creative. I wish I could explain the reason behind it, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet. This past August was always going to be particularly difficult for me; so I made sure I was traveling a lot, and making great memories so that I could just survive2. The worst is over; I’m grateful for that but I wish I knew how long this current state was going to last. I know exactly what it is, and I know it won’t last forever but it almost feels worse than being in pain all the time. At least when I was in pain I could feel things, even if they were unbearable sometimes… at least there were still small moments of joy. One day, I know I will find joy again. In the mean time I just have to keep my head afloat.
I have a lot of3 work to do though. I’ve lost faith. It’s almost like I’ve completely forgotten how to trust people. Slowly, the universe has been giving me things; things to be happy about; things that should spark joy; that would normally spark joy… but the joy always feels slightly muted. It feels the way skin feels when scar tissue has formed – slightly numb. I’m almost fascinated by how slow this process is going. It’s not like this is the first time I’ve grieved loss. I’m trying to figure out why it’s affected my love of sex too though. I mean, the desire is certainly still somewhere there but every time I have the opportunity or get close… I experience what i can only describe as traumatic flashbacks. I guess that’s what happens when you put your trust wholeheartedly in someone and they end up betraying that trust in ways that you couldn’t have ever imagined.
I’ve been trying not to talk about things for a while but it seems that holding it all in is only making things worse for me.
That’s not all I’ve been dealing with lately. I’ve had money problems too. Again. Honestly I can’t say there has ever really been a time in my life when I haven’t had money problems. One of the main reasons for that is that I’m just not good with money. I’ve gotten better, but I have a long way to go. It doesn’t help that I love donating my time to do the things that I love. I probably should find a way to do the things that I love for money but… I’m afraid that I’ll stop feeling the joy when that happens, because it’ll be about the money. Or maybe I should just stop being afraid of that too.
What are you afraid of?