I am an impulse shopper1. I am the sort of person who advertising works on. But as I was walking around Kensignton Market yesterday, I managed to turn down a cheap pair of shoes even though I have been looking for that particular colour and style for quite some time. Having to turn down shoes is no tragedy in the grand scheme of life; of the universe. But it says a lot about my own personal growth.
If you asked my then boyfriend, Bradley2, he would tell you that I was the worst. Of course, when we were dating I was still living at my parents house3 and I was horrendous for coming home with a new not-so-necessary purchase. Even if you asked my most recent ex, Dexter4, he would probably tell you the same thing. But do me a favour and don’t ask either of them because if you asked either of them anything about me they might just go on a rant. But if you really want to hear the other side, go ahead if you can figure out who they really are5.
Getting back on track, I’m fascinated by how much I’ve changed and how I can understand why some people from my past could have taken a dislike to me. Don’t misunderstand, it’s not that I don’t think it’s possible to dislike me – I mean you can’t please everyone – but I had never done anything to these people. But if there’s one thing I’m learning from interacting with people from so many walks of life on twitter is that when someone dislikes you despite the fact that you have never done anything to harm them, it is usually more about them than it is about you. So the best thing you could do is respect their wishes and stay away.
Of course, it’s unfortunate when the person who takes a dislike to you is actually someone you really like and wish so-hardcore that they would like you back. It would be so easy to return the hate but we all know that your hatred is coming from bitterness; from a place near, if not of vengeance. So let it go. Let it go and know that if someone is going to disregard you because of something you said or did without talking to you about it, like an adult; without trying to understand your side of the story – then you are better off without them.
I think one of the things about being single for this long6 that I have to look at as being a silver lining is that I am really getting to analyse7 all the things about my exes that made me unhappy. In turn of course, I am realising all the things about those relationships that I loved. I know that this is probably the point of staying single but I had never done it before. As someone coined me recently, I was a serial relationship-ist8.
But I am realising that I shouldn’t have been in half of those relationships9. Now that I have this time to reflect without the distraction of another infatuation or love-interest, it appears I may have been on the rebound from Franz10. I am no therapist or psychologist but I seem to have good instincts and they are telling me this. What if the reason I have always been so quick to fall in love is because I have done nothing but try to recreate what I had with Franz? And after 15 years of trying and failing, I just ‘lost the plot’11 and ended up needing to cheat? Alternatively, the thought that I am just not capable of being in a monogamous relationship also crosses my mind but I think I should save those thoughts for another blog post.
What if. Whatevs. I don’t regret. Everything happens for a reason – even actions/reactions of mine that make me feel like a right asshole can have a good outcome so long as you make it right.
Patience. It’s a hard lesson to learn but I am learning it. I have faith that it will pay off because the way I have been living my life prior to this12 hasn’t paid off thus far.
I have been pretty bad with questions of late, but please feel free to share any stories you may have.
- to say the least[↩]
- name has been changed to protect the innocent[↩]
- we both were actually; me with mine, he with his[↩]
- name has so been changed; yes this is the Irish guy[↩]
- without even so much as a serious crush[↩]
- maybe over analyse?[↩]
- Though I don’t think those are the actual words he used[↩]
- Not that I don’t treasure the experience of each one, because I do[↩]
- my first love, this is also not his real name[↩]
- for lack of a better phrase[↩]
- i.e. without patience[↩]