Running out of steam

One of my resolutions this year was to write once a week. The end of last year wasn’t going so well, and I wanted to head into this year with the kind of fierceness that this year deserved to be faced with. I am finding myself running out of steam and I figured I might as well write about it. It isn’t that I don’t have anything to say anymore either. I have a lot to say, actually. Right now though, I feel like it doesn’t matter what I say nor do – nothing is going to change1.

Lounging on the lake at last year’s cottage trip
Photography by: Joanna Haughton

Luckily, I am going to get out of the city again this week. Someone very near, and dear to me is celebrating a birthday and we’re going to a cottage to celebrate. I’ve talked about it before, and I’ll say it again: I am so grateful that I get to go on these out-of-city trips during the week so that I don’t have to drive in a lot of traffic. I have no doubt I’ll feel right as rain when I get back, but I also have no doubt that the feeling will only last about a week or three until it all weighs be down all over again.

Work is extremely busy2. Dating in this city is disenchanting. There is always a pit in my stomach and while I manage to keep it at bay while I’m with my friends… it’s always there. All I can think about is going away but there are responsibilities – that are very important to me – keeping me here. I’m waiting on news about a volunteering opportunity that would determine if I get to leave for the winter. I don’t even have my fingers crossed for either outcome because no matter what I’d be a happy camper3.

I’m sure those who are close to me and are reading this are starting to worry about me: please don’t. I’m fine. I live a wonderfully full, and amazing life. I just really need to make a change, and I haven’t quite figured out how to make it. I have faith I’ll figure it out soon enough, or at the very least I’ll figure it out. I just need to give it that ever-so-precious commodity called, time. Something I imagine I’ll have plenty of while I’m up at the cottage.

Just breathe.

 

Footnotes:
  1. I guess that’s the problem with wanting something you just can’t have[]
  2. in the best of ways[]
  3. ish – I do actually really want to go away[]

responses to “Running out of steam” 3

  1. Hi! Have faith and hang in there. I hope you have a great time at the cottage – suddenly, maybe not even noticing, your path changes. And then you can use what you learned lately, all experience is good experience. Well that might sound lame and something I tell myself when I “get stuck”. I wish you the best!

  2. Escaping from the city or your own natural environment is always good for the b,m and s. A change of scenery can sometimes give you the opportunity to look at your life from a different perspective, from a far; literally. Quite often when you don’t get to chance to “escape”, it proves difficult to self evaluate your life and how happy you actually are.
    One can’t see the forest for the trees without removing oneself from your one’s own environment.
    Do you feel guilty that you think about when you are going to “get away” next? Don’t – you have already realized you want/need some kind of change! Well coming to that conclusion is half the battle! You are self aware enough to identify something has to change. The question now is what?
    Perhaps it’s not your environment that needs to change! I wouldn’t assume to know what change needs to be made. But sometimes it’s not the most obvious of things.

    1. Nice to hear from you Ross. Also, a bit of a shock to learn that you’re still keeping tabs on me. I hope you’re well… and yes, I’m aware that a change needs to be made. As I’ve alluded to in my post though, it isn’t that simple to make the kind of change I want/need to make.

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