This is why I need an iPad; most of my most blog-worthy thoughts come to me when I’m train surfing whilst listening to my singer-songwriter type music1. More often than not my thoughts revolve around boys and relationships as they have since I stopped viewing boys as annoying creatures that I had to make cry-and-run-for-mommy. Since then, I have been so boy-obsessed2 that right after graduating with my degree, I ran off to Ireland chasing after a boy who had made it pretty clear that he wanted nothing to do with me. All because I was somehow convinced he was The One.
At the end of it all, we both were at fault for the train wreck that was that five year, ocean spanning relationship. I’m pretty sad that he and I don’t even talk now and I’d like to put it out there that it isn’t my choice. I reached out, and I was shot down albeit politely. Maybe I reached out too soon, and maybe I should reach out again but I won’t be doing that anytime soon.
Psha. This isn’t what I wanted to talk about. What I wanted to talk about was the musician as I call him3 though his official nickname as dubbed by someone who shall remain nameless4 is D3. Don’t ask, I won’t tell. It occurred to me that regardless of whether or not the change in me is a direct result of D3 or not, I have definitely changed since my heart and trust of all-things-love were shat on5, to put it poetically.
Maybe I just haven’t found the right person yet but it just seems like in the past, I fell for someone a lot more quickly. Of course there are advantages to the change but I don’t feel like myself. I’ve got a lot of love to give and not finding someone to pine over and/or be infatuated with makes me feel like a foreigner in my own body. Sure, I like a couple of people right now and it could blossom into something more6 but I find myself being reluctant. I was never reluctant. I was a flirt, and I loved it7.
On to the silver lining; I seem to have kept more girlfriends being this way which is a long-desired trade-off but at the same time I am really hoping I can have the best of both these worlds. As much as I say that I’m perfectly lonely, there still is8 a part of me that longs for a man who will have my back who I can have wild, animal sex with.
But really, these are just subway thoughts…
- John Mayer, Jaylene Johnson, Lisa Loeb, Jewel, etc[↩]
- or as I sometimes look at it, love-obsessed[↩]
- which is a totally unfair nickname because I fully intend on dating other musicians, who will be much better than he is[↩]
- Hi McHottie[↩]
- by none other than D3[↩]
- not talking about marriage here, I’m still *that* girl[↩]
- Testosterone is freakin’ addictive[↩]