It’s funny how you can form a bond with some people in a nano-second. Suddenly, there is this understanding; unspoken and raw. I met Christine Estima in March of this year when a dear mutual friend hosted an Oscar party. In all honesty, I was a little scared. She was animated, loud and also live-tweeting the show. I had seen it done but never in person. It was interesting to say the least. But despite that, there was something about her that drew me in; I’m certain it had something to do with mirrors in her eyes looking back at me. Over the last few months, we have shared many talks about many things and today I got to witness her brilliant mind in action.
We sat in the Rearview Mirror in Kensington waiting for the actors, script in hand, to start the reading of The Spadina Monologues. It was fitting that it was raining outside as the director broke the almost-silence with the opening lines. Over two dozen people came out to show their support and you could feel the love in the room. As I sat and listened to the banter that was difficult to separate from a conversation I imagine Christine to have with herself I couldn’t help but think about some of my own experiences.
These thoughts were further fueled by later conversation with vlogging superstar Sean Ward as we shot the shit after the show. I wish it were easier to explain how some people just feel comfortable, and some don’t. This lack of comfort doesn’t make either party any less of a person. But somehow it’s hard to express this to someone. It’s hard to say and it is hard to have someone say to you that they aren’t comfortable conversing with you. Beyond conversation, some people are just easy to be around -whether you spend most of the time in silence, simply enjoying their aura.
As the perfect example, some people have described me as being brash, blunt or curt while others have described me as being warm, caring and charming. I’m certain I’m all those things depending on the situation and those surrounding me. I don’t try extra hard to be anything but some people can bring out the worst in you. Some people bring out the best in you too. But don’t ever forget that it is a two way street -sometimes you can bring the worst out in someone, and sometimes you can bring out the best in someone. It doesn’t make you a bad person; just incompatible with that other person.
Having said all that, there are some people who are just evil -they do not fall under the category of person of which I have just written about. I may or may not write about them in the future.
Do I have a suggestion to fix this? Not yet. Maybe one day though. Maybe one day.
I should be jogging but I’m feeling extremely reflective this Sunday Morning so I’m doing something I haven’t done in a long time – blogging! Life has taken on a wonderful turn. I’m living the perfect single life right now and I couldn’t be happier. I just checked with myself and I am not even as lonely as I thought I would be. The truth is, I have people. I may not have a person, but I have people who fulfill that one person in their various ways.
Don’t get me wrong, it still feels like something is missing but I think that it’s good for me to continue being single for a while, even though I decided to start dating again. I like having one person to turn to whenever I need some sympathy but with Twitter around, I have that one person. Except that one person is actually in the hundreds. Add to that real-life meetings and what more could a girl really ask for? Oh right, satisfaction – not to worry, I have that covered too.
Then there are those sort of activities that you would normally only experience with a significant other; partially because of the chemistry between male & female whilst they execute these activities like going out to nice dinners and making delicious, gourmet dinners together and enjoying lots and lots of wine. I can enjoy these things, knowing that these people are not expecting sex from me. Do you have any idea how wonderful it feels to hang out with guys and feel that they love you and yet know that they’re not going to try to sleep with you? It feel fan-freakin’-tastically amazing.
Every since I hit puberty, all the boys want to talk to me and they stare and they call and whatever. But in all honesty, they can all go fuck themselves because they rarely actually care or cared about me as a person. Naturally, I envied ‘the cute’ one in the group because the boys who liked them did so because they were interested in hanging out with them and having a real relationship with them. When I was younger, I was insecure and I gave in to their wants to try to get them to like me, and hopefully get to know me. Ask me if that worked out, eff no. ‘The cute’ one in the group would tell me to shut up because at least I could get laid and all the boys wanted to do was spend time with them… I didn’t even know what to say to that so I just stared with my mouth a-gape.
So I might as well spell it out. If you’re thinking about it… You are SOL unless you and I become best friends first and I’m still attracted to you after that; because this shop is on fort knox mode, permanentemente.
I want to write but…
I don’t want to write about work.
I don’t have much to say about choir or any other activities.
Everytime I sit down at the computer at home, I get really sleepy.
The one thing that is pulling at my heart’s strings right now is something I am so sick and tired of writing about. So I’m hiding.
I’ve missed being here. I’ve missed being me. And I can’t say that I’m back at 100% or that I will ever be. I gave a lot of myself to someone who didn’t deserve it, and some of it was stuff that you just can’t take back. So I’m working. I’m working on getting me back to me, and my life to being my life.
Oh what a life. I’ve lived a great life actually… though somehow muddled in mediocrity. I’ve always focused on how I feel and not really on what I accomplish in my life but I think it’s about time I change that. I’ve proven to myself that I can feel great. Now it’s time to prove to myself that I can be great
This blog was down for a long time due to the weirdest chain of events but all that matters is that Rebecca worked wonders to get me back online. And so now, the only challenge is finding time to write… coherently. Which I promise to do very soon…
In the mean time, I leave you with some words from Paul Greene‘s song called ‘Work Love Dance Trust’ which I can’t quite get enough of right now. Footnotes are my own comments, because it’s fun:
Work like you don’t need the money,
Love like you’ve never been hurt,
Dance like nobody’s watching,
You’re gonna get what you deserve.
Trust like you’ve never been lied to,
Fuck like you’re being filmed,
Choose what you wanna believe in,
But you’ve gotta be free!
Have a great week everyone
How have you all been?