I should be jogging

I should be jogging but I’m feeling extremely reflective this Sunday Morning so I’m doing something I haven’t done in a long time – blogging! Life has taken on a wonderful turn. I’m living the perfect single life right now and I couldn’t be happier. I just checked with myself and I am not even as lonely as I thought I would be. The truth is, I have people. I may not have a person, but I have people who fulfill that one person in their various ways.

Don’t get me wrong, it still feels like something is missing but I think that it’s good for me to continue being single for a while, even though I decided to start dating again. I like having one person to turn to whenever I need some sympathy but with Twitter around, I have that one person. Except that one person is actually in the hundreds1. Add to that real-life meetings2 and what more could a girl really ask for? Oh right,3 satisfaction – not to worry, I have that covered too.

Then there are those sort of activities that you would normally only experience with a significant other; partially because of the chemistry between male & female whilst they execute these activities4 like going out to nice dinners and making delicious, gourmet dinners together and enjoying lots and lots of wine. I can enjoy these things, knowing that these people are not expecting sex from me. Do you have any idea how wonderful it feels to hang out with guys and feel that they love you and yet know that they’re not going to try to sleep with you? It feel fan-freakin’-tastically amazing.

Every since I hit puberty, all the boys want to talk to me and they stare and they call and whatever. But in all honesty, they can all go fuck themselves because they rarely actually care or cared about me as a person. Naturally, I envied ‘the cute’ one in the group because the boys who liked them did so because they were interested in hanging out with them and having a real relationship with them. When I was younger, I was insecure and I gave in to their wants to try to get them to like me, and hopefully get to know me. Ask me if that worked out, eff no. ‘The cute’ one in the group would tell me to shut up because at least I could get laid and all the boys wanted to do was spend time with them… I didn’t even know what to say to that so I just stared with my mouth a-gape.

So I might as well spell it out. If you’re thinking about it… You are SOL5 unless you and I become best friends first and I’m still attracted to you after that; because this shop is on fort knox mode, permanentemente.

Footnotes:
  1. no, not in age you doof[]
  2. aka Tweetups[]
  3. sexual[]
  4. get your mind out of the gutter, I’m not talking about sex – we just covered that[]
  5. “shit out of luck” for those of you who needed that[]

Baby steps..

I want to write but…

I don’t want to write about work.

I don’t have much to say about choir or any other activities.

Everytime I sit down at the computer at home, I get really sleepy.

The one thing that is pulling at my heart’s strings right now is something I am so sick and tired of writing about. So I’m hiding.

Yes. I am back.

I’ve missed being here. I’ve missed being me. And I can’t say that I’m back at 100% or that I will ever be. I gave a lot of myself to someone who1 didn’t deserve it, and some of it was stuff that you just can’t take back. So I’m working. I’m working on getting me back to me, and my life to being my life.

Oh what a life. I’ve lived a great life actually… though somehow muddled in mediocrity. I’ve always focused on how I feel and not really on what I accomplish in my life but I think it’s about time I change that. I’ve proven to myself that I can feel great. Now it’s time to prove to myself that I can be great2

This blog was down for a long time due to the weirdest chain of events but all that matters is that Rebecca worked wonders to get me back online3.  And so now, the only challenge is finding time to write… coherently. Which I promise4 to do very soon…

In the mean time, I leave you with some5 words from Paul Greene‘s song called ‘Work Love Dance Trust’ which I can’t quite get enough of right now. Footnotes are my own comments, because it’s fun:

Work like you don’t need the money,
Love like you’ve never been hurt6,
Dance like nobody’s watching,
You’re gonna get what you deserve7.

Trust like you’ve never been lied to8,
Fuck like you’re being filmed9,
Choose what you wanna believe in,
But you’ve gotta be free!

Have a great week everyone10

How have you all been?

Footnotes:
  1. obviously[]
  2. insert scared face here – I hate sounding cocky![]
  3. with no real help from GoDaddy, as helpful as their person in charge of the twitter account was[]
  4. myself[]
  5. cliche[]
  6. but don’t love the person who’s hurt you before[]
  7. above all, you deserve respect!![]
  8. again, don’t trust the person who has lied to you before![]
  9. or like everybody’s watching *wink*[]
  10. yeah, this post should’ve really come out on Monday – but let’s pretend it’s a short week, k?[]

Doing what you love

I love the feeling of having a keyboard under my fingertips, or even just writing words down with a pen and paper. I guess for the most part, I just love words. I love the way words can make you feel certain ways, and either make everything crystal clear or confuse the heck out of you.

I love the feeling of air vibrating and travelling from my diaphragm1 and leaving my mouth in a (hopefully) pleasant sound. I love the way, when you really get into it, I feel like I’m singing with my entire body with minimal effort. It mostly feels like the warmest, safest embrace and partially feels like that kiss that tells you this is the beginning of a long, beautiful night.
I love meeting someone new and only telling them things you want them to hear, before you get to the point of deciding whether or not you want to share your deepest darkest secrets with them. But more importantly, I love the point where you discover that the new person you met is able to accept your deepest, darkest secrets and still care about you.

And right now2, I am loving not being in-love. I feel like I’m so ready to be in-love again but the walls around this fragile heart have grown pretty resilient. I may have been the one to end my last relationship, but it doesn’t mean that my heart was any less broken. I want to be in-love, but I know better than to fall in love with someone just because something works, right now. And so for the time being, all the love I’m so ready to give has been diverted to friends and what a wonderful feeling it is to truly love another person without the romantic implications or familial ties.

Here’s hoping I am able to channel all this love into some happy poetry for once.

What do you love?

Footnotes:
  1. I think we established that I love singing, but I thought I would re-iterate[]
  2. because I don’t think this is permanent[]

A tweeter meet-up tale

This weekend, I got to do one of the things I love to do the most: Drive. I got to drive so much and it didn’t even matter that some of it was in traffic. Late Saturday morning my Mum and I set off for Buffalo, NY to meet up with fellow blogger/tweeter, and comedian Dartanion. I would love to say that the return trip back to Toronto went off without a hitch but sadly, not only did we start off in the wrong direction for about 30-40 mins but we also encountered a huge line at Lewiston bridge! Once we were past the border, we discovered a traffic jam in St. Catherine’s, but we easily avoided it thanks to Dartanion’s trusty Australian GPS1.

As soon as my Dad left with my Mum in tow2, I downed two shots of tequila and got ready for the 80′s party that we were 4 hours late for. Of course, we didn’t leave before downing one more shot of tequila. Once at the party, there weren’t many people left but we made it our own with some dancing and our very own game of twister. Dartanion came out as the winner of the first game but didn’t play again for a shot at the title.

You would think that going to bed at almost 7am would mean that we wouldn’t be able to get up before noon, but apparently one can’t sleep when you have a pounding headache from being hydrated purely by alcohol 3. Once we had breakfast4 and our showers, we headed out to do some touristy things in Toronto. After visiting Casa Loma, the CN tower and a 1 hour harbour tour I showed him my5 beloved Distillery District. We could have gone to another party that I knew about that night, but we wanted to get up early the next day and head down to Niagara for a little bit.

Traffic had other ideas though, and we didn’t get into Niagara Falls until around 12 p.m. which was way later than either of us wanted to get there.  The crowds and $20 parking fee meant that I had to drop him off at a good spot to take photos and drive around until I could find a good place to make a U-turn6. The rainbow bridge treated us better than Lewiston did a couple of nights before and we were eating a late lunch at Chili’s in no time.

Now I know you think this story has come to it’s end but I’m sorry to inform you that it is far from that. On the way back I tried my best to avoid Lewiston but obviously don’t know the US freeways well enough to know that there is no way to do that when you’re on the I-190. Luckily, I was able to exit at R. Moses Parkway before being perma-stuck in a long line to hell… after a scenic drive I arrive at Rainbow bridge where the wait was at least 10 times shorter than at Lewiston.

I managed to hit a bit of the same traffic in St. Catherine’s that we had hit a couple of nights before, but I also managed to take the same detour through the vineyards7 and shaved about 40-50 mins off my travel time. But someone didn’t want me back in Toronto just yet… out of the corner of my eye, I saw her: a lady in the passenger seat of the car to my left was frantically waving her arms in the air. Once I looked over, I realised she was waving at me. She quickly pointed to my rear, driver side tyre and made a gesture to simulate a flat surface. I furrowed my brow and mouthed ‘Thank You’, and quickly turned on my signal to change to the right lane and eventually the shoulder.

After my phone conked out and decided that it didn’t want to reset itself for a whole 20 minutes, I finally got a hold of my Dad and got some basic directions from him. I knew where to find everything: spare tire, jack, crow bar… but I didn’t want to start until I was absolutely sure there wasn’t something I needed to know. Three people stopped: one car just stopped behind me and watched me for a few minutes but must have seen that I was on my phone and so drove off after I waved and smiled at them; one car stopped just ahead of me8: being able to check off “change a tyre” on the proverbial to-do list.

Footnotes:
  1. it wasn’t really Austalian, he was just using the Australian voice[]
  2. he came to pick her up at the apartment[]
  3. so, NOT hydrated[]
  4. and I swept the entire apartment to appease my hangover[]
  5. yes, it’s mine[]
  6. yes, another illegal one — sorry!![]
  7. not literally of course[]
  8. and was actually putting himself in a lot of danger because of where he stopped), and got out to ask me if I needed help but I thanked him for stopping and sent him on his way; the third car that stopped was actually big rig, and the long, blond-haired driver insisted on helping so I let him check to see if I had tightened the bolts enough and remove the jack for me… he seemed to welcome the break he got from the long drive he must have been on.

    I was at my parents’ house 30 minutes later and I have to say that it was actually the perfect end to the weekend of hanging out with a smart cookie, and rediscovering my city ((and what I love so much about it – the harbourfront[]

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