fragileheart's journal

I’ve missed being here. I’ve missed being me. And I can’t say that I’m back at 100% or that I will ever be. I gave a lot of myself to someone who¹ didn’t deserve it, and some of it was stuff that you just can’t take back. So I’m working. I’m working on getting me back to me, and my life to being my life.

Oh what a life. I’ve lived a great life actually… though somehow muddled in mediocrity. I’ve always focused on how I feel and not really on what I accomplish in my life but I think it’s about time I change that. I’ve proven to myself that I can feel great. Now it’s time to prove to myself that I can be great²

This blog was down for a long time due to the weirdest chain of events but all that matters is that Rebecca worked wonders to get me back online³.  And so now, the only challenge is finding time to write… coherently. Which I promise⁴ to do very soon…

In the mean time, I leave you with some⁵ words from Paul Greene‘s song called ‘Work Love Dance Trust’ which I can’t quite get enough of right now. Footnotes are my own comments, because it’s fun:

Work like you don’t need the money,
Love like you’ve never been hurt⁶,
Dance like nobody’s watching,
You’re gonna get what you deserve⁷.

Trust like you’ve never been lied to⁸,
Fuck like you’re being filmed⁹,
Choose what you wanna believe in,
But you’ve gotta be free!

Have a great week everyone¹⁰

How have you all been?

Footnotes:

1. obviously[↩]
2. insert scared face here – I hate sounding cocky![↩]
3. with no real help from GoDaddy, as helpful as their person in charge of the twitter account was[↩]
4. myself[↩]
5. cliche[↩]
6. but don’t love the person who’s hurt you before[↩]
7. above all, you deserve respect!![↩]
8. again, don’t trust the person who has lied to you before![↩]
9. or like everybody’s watching *wink*[↩]
10. yeah, this post should’ve really come out on Monday – but let’s pretend it’s a short week, k?[↩]

I love the feeling of having a keyboard under my fingertips, or even just writing words down with a pen and paper. I guess for the most part, I just love words. I love the way words can make you feel certain ways, and either make everything crystal clear or confuse the heck out of you.

I love the feeling of air vibrating and travelling from my diaphragm¹ and leaving my mouth in a (hopefully) pleasant sound. I love the way, when you really get into it, I feel like I’m singing with my entire body with minimal effort. It mostly feels like the warmest, safest embrace and partially feels like that kiss that tells you this is the beginning of a long, beautiful night.
I love meeting someone new and only telling them things you want them to hear, before you get to the point of deciding whether or not you want to share your deepest darkest secrets with them. But more importantly, I love the point where you discover that the new person you met is able to accept your deepest, darkest secrets and still care about you.

And right now², I am loving not being in-love. I feel like I’m so ready to be in-love again but the walls around this fragile heart have grown pretty resilient. I may have been the one to end my last relationship, but it doesn’t mean that my heart was any less broken. I want to be in-love, but I know better than to fall in love with someone just because something works, right now. And so for the time being, all the love I’m so ready to give has been diverted to friends and what a wonderful feeling it is to truly love another person without the romantic implications or familial ties.

Here’s hoping I am able to channel all this love into some happy poetry for once.

What do you love?

Footnotes:

1. I think we established that I love singing, but I thought I would re-iterate[↩]
2. because I don’t think this is permanent[↩]

This weekend, I got to do one of the things I love to do the most: Drive. I got to drive so much and it didn’t even matter that some of it was in traffic. Late Saturday morning my Mum and I set off for Buffalo, NY to meet up with fellow blogger/tweeter, and comedian Dartanion. I would love to say that the return trip back to Toronto went off without a hitch but sadly, not only did we start off in the wrong direction for about 30-40 mins but we also encountered a huge line at Lewiston bridge! Once we were past the border, we discovered a traffic jam in St. Catherine’s, but we easily avoided it thanks to Dartanion’s trusty Australian GPS¹.

As soon as my Dad left with my Mum in tow², I downed two shots of tequila and got ready for the 80′s party that we were 4 hours late for. Of course, we didn’t leave before downing one more shot of tequila. Once at the party, there weren’t many people left but we made it our own with some dancing and our very own game of twister. Dartanion came out as the winner of the first game but didn’t play again for a shot at the title.

You would think that going to bed at almost 7am would mean that we wouldn’t be able to get up before noon, but apparently one can’t sleep when you have a pounding headache from being hydrated purely by alcohol ³. Once we had breakfast⁴ and our showers, we headed out to do some touristy things in Toronto. After visiting Casa Loma, the CN tower and a 1 hour harbour tour I showed him my⁵ beloved Distillery District. We could have gone to another party that I knew about that night, but we wanted to get up early the next day and head down to Niagara for a little bit.

Traffic had other ideas though, and we didn’t get into Niagara Falls until around 12 p.m. which was way later than either of us wanted to get there.  The crowds and $20 parking fee meant that I had to drop him off at a good spot to take photos and drive around until I could find a good place to make a U-turn⁶. The rainbow bridge treated us better than Lewiston did a couple of nights before and we were eating a late lunch at Chili’s in no time.

Now I know you think this story has come to it’s end but I’m sorry to inform you that it is far from that. On the way back I tried my best to avoid Lewiston but obviously don’t know the US freeways well enough to know that there is no way to do that when you’re on the I-190. Luckily, I was able to exit at R. Moses Parkway before being perma-stuck in a long line to hell… after a scenic drive I arrive at Rainbow bridge where the wait was at least 10 times shorter than at Lewiston.

I managed to hit a bit of the same traffic in St. Catherine’s that we had hit a couple of nights before, but I also managed to take the same detour through the vineyards⁷ and shaved about 40-50 mins off my travel time. But someone didn’t want me back in Toronto just yet… out of the corner of my eye, I saw her: a lady in the passenger seat of the car to my left was frantically waving her arms in the air. Once I looked over, I realised she was waving at me. She quickly pointed to my rear, driver side tyre and made a gesture to simulate a flat surface. I furrowed my brow and mouthed ‘Thank You’, and quickly turned on my signal to change to the right lane and eventually the shoulder.

After my phone conked out and decided that it didn’t want to reset itself for a whole 20 minutes, I finally got a hold of my Dad and got some basic directions from him. I knew where to find everything: spare tire, jack, crow bar… but I didn’t want to start until I was absolutely sure there wasn’t something I needed to know. Three people stopped: one car just stopped behind me and watched me for a few minutes but must have seen that I was on my phone and so drove off after I waved and smiled at them; one car stopped just ahead of me⁸: being able to check off “change a tyre” on the proverbial to-do list.

Footnotes:

1. it wasn’t really Austalian, he was just using the Australian voice[↩]
2. he came to pick her up at the apartment[↩]
3. so, NOT hydrated[↩]
4. and I swept the entire apartment to appease my hangover[↩]
5. yes, it’s mine[↩]
6. yes, another illegal one — sorry!![↩]
7. not literally of course[↩]
8. and was actually putting himself in a lot of danger because of where he stopped), and got out to ask me if I needed help but I thanked him for stopping and sent him on his way; the third car that stopped was actually big rig, and the long, blond-haired driver insisted on helping so I let him check to see if I had tightened the bolts enough and remove the jack for me… he seemed to welcome the break he got from the long drive he must have been on.

   I was at my parents’ house 30 minutes later and I have to say that it was actually the perfect end to the weekend of hanging out with a smart cookie, and rediscovering my city ((and what I love so much about it – the harbourfront[↩]

There have been a lot of changes in my life in the last year or so. And they’re not about to stop either. For the most part, I’ve been going with the flow… but I’m starting to feel some ‘growing pains’ if you will. My head is starting to spin and I need to catch my breath. And so it’s the perfect time to get back into blogging.

I started blogging before it was even called blogging and I didn’t even care if I had readers because for the most part I only wrote about boy issues and whatever else a 17 year old might have had to write about¹. I almost stopped blogging once, mostly because he asked me to. But I just couldn’t live without it so I tried blogging under a completely anonymous blog… but I felt like a liar so I came back to fragileheart.com.

With the growing popularity of blogging and of online social media in general, it’s become harder to hide online – as strange as that sounds. These days I have a lot ‘real life friends’ who have joined the blogging, tweeting² community whereas before, I could hide in the comfort of the online world knowing that I would never have to see these people³ face to face. It was different if I ever met these people who read my blog in person after the fact, because it meant that they would want to meet me despite knowing what I say when I think no one is looking.

I’m struggling a little. I cna’t write in my diary, and I haven’t really been able to openly write in my diary since a certain incident I’m sure someone would rather I didn’t talk about. Which means that my thoughts that should never be uttered have no where to go. And that means they stay in my head, forever swirling around in the sea of memories, fantasies and unicorns⁴. I’m trying… trying to open up to people but it’s really difficult. Sure, I don’t have a problem sharing… but believe it or not, there is a lot I don’t share. There is a lot that I would rather only ever repeat to myself and analyse on my own. I like coming to my own conclusions and I like dealing with problems on my own. But I need to be able to have things out in the open⁵ so I can sort through said things… but what do I do when I have no where to hide?

Maybe it’s the fact that I’ll be thirty in a little over 2 years⁶… but it sure feels like I’m going through adolescence again. I feel lost, confused and yet like I know it all and can do anything I put my mind to – if only I could build up the confidence to get moving.

Have you been through this?

Footnotes:

1. I wasn’t terribly concerned about very much going on in the world, so sadly the boy thing was pretty much the extent of my concerns back then – judge me if you wish. I’m not ashamed[↩]
2. and worse yet the facebook[↩]
3. who read my deepest, and darkest thoughts[↩]
4. if you believe that one, you need help[↩]
5. just written down really, it doesn’t need to be public[↩]
6. despite still feeling like I’m only 22… and constantly being told that I don’t look 27[↩]

I’m getting into a little more routine now at the new place despite still having a long list of ‘unpacking/moving’ things to do and it feels so good. Simply being able to sit down and blog and reply to comments makes me feel so at home that it makes it easier to forget that I’m aching to hold him again. But this time, the ache is quickly followed by the biggest of smiles. This smile is brought on by the knowledge that near the end of the summer I will get my wish.

Sticking to the diet has been a little difficult since he went back to Dublin because I simply haven’t had time or the energy. I’m slowly allowing a little more carbohydrates in my diet but am loving the discovery that whole wheat alternatives no longer taste as awful as they used to. I remember when whole wheat first came around… everything tasted like cardboard. It was so wrong. But I’m excited to try my very first whole wheat beef and spinach lasange.

I’m hoping to make enough that I can freeze half of it so I have a lunch to take with me when I get invited out for last minute weekday get togethers. Yes, I plan for these things because I don’t like saying no and I also don’t like being out a lunch. Yes, I am a little bit of a loser… but I’m a loser with a free lunch and a social life ¹

Ha. I’m feeling a little Carrie Bradshaw right now actually. The desk in the new apartment is sitting in front of the window and as I put my foot up on the chair and leaned my chin on my knee an image of Sarah-Jessica Parker doing the exact same thing in Sex in the City just flashed in my head. Oh and for those of you wondering: Yes, I will be posting pictures but only when I’m completely done decorating the place. I hope for this time to be soon because we’re planning to have our housewarming party around the third weekend in June²

Erica is the only one who answered me so I have to ask again, How have you been?

Footnotes:

1. kind of a contradiction isn’t it?[↩]
2. of course you’re invited![↩]