Uncertainty, muddled beliefs and the benefits of doubt

I have always maintained that everyone deserves love1 but I am suddenly finding myself leaning towards the cynical side of life philosophy these days. It’s unnerving but also difficult to shake. I’ve had a lot of bad shit happen to me2 but I have always been able to bounce back into hope. Hope that things will always get better; hope that things always work out for a reason; hope that if you want something bad enough you’ll get it; hope that everyone deserves the best3.

Cynics4 would call me naive in thinking all that but all the ‘pain’ I’ve experienced in my life has been accompanied by amazing life lessons, experiences and memories that I would not trade for anything -no, not even a happy ending. Why? Because who’s to say what happy ending that would have been, and who’s to say it would have actually lasted? I almost had my so-called happy ending, at least according to some, but it didn’t happen because it wasn’t right for me.

Hope would have me believe that the reason it didn’t happen was precisely because it wasn’t right for me; this other side that is creeping into my life philosophy is telling me that I wouldn’t know because it didn’t happen -except that I do know. And so the battle goes. This weekend I witnessed5 some ridiculous behaviour by people. I say people because women are every bit as guilty of bullshit as women are. Yes, I include myself in this. It’s because we don’t know what we want; and if we do know what we want there’s no guarantee that what we want will remain the same for any given length of time.

And to top it off for the most part we are ashamed to admit that we don’t know what we want. Maybe we’re not ashamed; maybe we’re unsure of how to express it; maybe we’re unsure of how it will be received; maybe we don’t even realize that we’re doing someone else’s head in; maybe, maybe, maybe… whatever the reason the truth is that when it comes to emotions and/or sexuality6 our brains don’t function quite the same.

Going back to said bullshit, I should probably elaborate for curiousity’s sake but that’s just not how this goes so you’ll have to take my word for it and understand that the main thing is that there was disrespect displayed7 displayed in several unrelated scenarios that has compounded and made me question my entire belief system. Maybe I’m speaking too soon8 but if this keeps up I may just become a cynic.

I want to try. I want to be stronger than that; I don’t want to give in to the dark side but right now I just don’t think I have enough fight left in me.

I don’t have any questions today9.

Footnotes:
  1. don’t worry I still do – mostly[]
  2. once again I say: hence the name fragileheart[]
  3. and gets it[]
  4. they call themselves realistic; side note part two: I’m starting to believe them[]
  5. and unfortunately was party to[]
  6. as much as we try to convince ourselves, these are not mutually exclusive – try to argue with me all you want you ain’t convincing this chickidee[]
  7. and that I am, regrettably, not innocent[]
  8. and heavens-to-Betsy I freakin’ hope so[]
  9. at least not ones I care to ask here[]

Balancing act

Peek-a-boo

Balancing is tough. It’s tough to find a balance between work and life. It’s tough to find a balance between time you spend with friends versus family versus your significant other. It’s tough to find a balance between downtime and time spent being social. I haven’t spent a lot of time by myself since I moved out of my parents place last summer1. And in fact, I’m pretty sure I had not spent a lot of time by myself since I came back from living in Dublin.

I haven’t had much time to sit down and figure out why that is2, which means I haven’t really had time to figure out exactly how I feel about it. I finally went camping this year and the photo above was taken on our last morning at Silent Lake; ¬†I was disappointed with camping for so many reasons3, but the most important was that I did not get to spend time with nature4 as I so long to do right now.

I write. I like to write anyway, but a lot of my writing requires the quiet of birds chirping or only the wind whisper-howling through the rustle of leaves. But it’s difficult to get in that mindset when I barely have time to put away laundry. But I have no plans on stopping the way life has been pushing me to live; no, I’m determined to live life this way and still find my writing mind with less down time.

After all, what good would I be if I needed to hole myself out in the woods every time I wanted to write something heartfelt? I haven’t shared my poetry on the blog since I removed it from my portfolio5 but I’m thinking maybe enough time has passed that I can do that again6. I shall keep trying to find a way to have balance in my life, and if I should discover some secret to it – I promise to tell you.

How you find balance in your life?

Footnotes:
  1. and I really kind of miss it[]
  2. it’s a cycle[]
  3. we didn’t rough it as much as I was hoping to[]
  4. and myself; my thoughts[]
  5. which used to be listed on this main domain[]
  6. not right now of course, soon…[]

Do you know me?

“Do you know me? At all?” — John Mayer, Do you know me? from Battle Studies.

twin

What does it mean to know someone? Does it mean you know exactly what’s on their mind at all times? Does it mean you can predict what their reaction is going to be at any given moment? Or does it simply mean you can rely on them to never fuck you over? It’s terrifying to me when someone can almost read my mind because half the time I don’t feel like I know what I am thinking at any given moment.

One perk of having a significant other, or a best friend is that you ‘know’ each other; that you ‘get’ each other. Until recently, I had never experienced having a best friend and suddenly I am finding myself being able to name four people almost instantly who I could say would be able to predict some sort of action or thought. Now, don’t laugh1 but it’s funny how all it really took to go from feeling like I’ve never had a best friend to suddenly being able to think of four people who could easily fit the category was simply shifting my focus to keeping such friends. I wonder why it is that it took me 27 years to figure that out.

Looking back on all my relationships, I know exactly why none of them worked out. They weren’t my best friends. And I feel that to really make it in this day and age, you need to marry your best friend if you want any hope of surviving. What with open relationships and marriages and swingers and swaggers2. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while you’re probably a little shocked to read the ‘m’ word used so casually but I never said anything about me getting married! ūüėČ I’m still not convinced that marriage is something that will work for me based on too many things to talk about now. I’ll have to save it for another post.

This past winter, I met someone who I thought I knew pretty well soon after meeting him. Which sounds silly but for those of us who believe in things like destiny, it can feel pretty real. It’s hard to explain how you can feel like you just ‘know’ someone so soon after you met them but I’m hoping you’ve all been there to save me the attempt. In a way, I’m sure I still do ‘know’ him and maybe I really did know him all along except I never expected he would do what I knew him to be capable of, to me. All this has left me a little wary, a little cautious of meeting and getting to know new people at least in a romantic context3. So needless to say, it’ll be a slow healing process for once in my life.

I think it’s about time4.

Do you know me?

p.s. This post is in part a tribute to John Mayer; I was at his recent concert at the Molson Amphitheatre where he performed this song5. Elated, inspired, in-heaven are some words I would like to use to describe how I felt that evening and for a while after.

Footnotes:
  1. please?[]
  2. ok I made that one up[]
  3. BUT it has been more than 6 months at this stage so I am making a bit more of an effort[]
  4. I tend to jump from one relationship to the next essentially make every relationship since my first love a long-ass rebound chain. Eeps.[]
  5. though I started writing this before I went to the concert – just goes to show how connected we are; John and I *smirk*[]

Going solo

I’m not sure I really know what it means to be alone1. A dear friend of mine2 told me after the Irish boy broke my heart and moved back to Dublin that I should try being alone for once. ¬†Well, it’s five years later and it looks like I’m finally ready to follow his advice.

My method of coping after a breakup was to lean on someone1, and in hindsight, it only ever ended up hurting the other person. I’m ok with the fact that this is the one breakup that has forced me to change my ways. I’ve accepted that he made that large of an impact in my life in such a short time. Yes, it is a little sad but it doesn’t have to be. I’m sure the bad guy I’ve painted him out to be in my head, isn’t as bad as he really is – though I really can’t think of another explanation for everything.

When I’m out, I find myself trying to catch the eye of a good looking someone only to find a girl right beside him. It’s as if the universe is constantly reminding me of this decision I made not to date. It doesn’t make me bitter, but it does scare me a little3. To hear acquaintances tell me, “I’m sure you won’t have a problem finding a date”, doesn’t make me feel any better because it isn’t about finding a date – it’s about finding someone you like who likes you back just as much. And even harder still, someone who you know you can trust with your life; with your heart.

It’s strange to have felt such a level of comfort with someone and yet know that nothing they ever told you was true; or at least to not be able to distinguish the difference because the truths he told were only ‘mostly true’. I’m not sure I can believe that his intentions were honourable either – or I wouldn’t have had to take the same bout of antibiotics three times in the last 6 months4. And for what? For some of the best poetry I’ve ever written? For some of the best inspiration I’ve ever experienced?

When I look at those things, I can say that maybe it was worth it – but this knowledge that I can be so comfortable with someone who could not have been seeing the real me5 is not something I can help but regret. And I’ve talked about regret before… it’s not something I like living with. So I’m trying to live without it by cutting him out of my life. He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t see the betrayal. He doesn’t get it. But it’s not my job to show him. It’s not my responsibility.

The comfort I felt was the kind of comfort I would’ve changed my beliefs for. But at the end of the day, I am not the one he wants. I think I need to be alone to be ok with that; to accept that sometimes you find what your soul thinks is its mate… but it’s so very wrong.

Footnotes:
  1. romantically[][]
  2. who I actually haven’t spoken to in some years[]
  3. the ever irrational fear that I will never find someone[]
  4. Oh and of course he claims he was cheated on – what convenient excuse[]
  5. if he found it so hard to trust me with the truth, he couldn’t possibly have seen me[]