fragileheart's journal

I have always maintained that everyone deserves love¹ but I am suddenly finding myself leaning towards the cynical side of life philosophy these days. It’s unnerving but also difficult to shake. I’ve had a lot of bad shit happen to me² but I have always been able to bounce back into hope. Hope that things will always get better; hope that things always work out for a reason; hope that if you want something bad enough you’ll get it; hope that everyone deserves the best³.

Cynics⁴ would call me naive in thinking all that but all the ‘pain’ I’ve experienced in my life has been accompanied by amazing life lessons, experiences and memories that I would not trade for anything -no, not even a happy ending. Why? Because who’s to say what happy ending that would have been, and who’s to say it would have actually lasted? I almost had my so-called happy ending, at least according to some, but it didn’t happen because it wasn’t right for me.

Hope would have me believe that the reason it didn’t happen was precisely because it wasn’t right for me; this other side that is creeping into my life philosophy is telling me that I wouldn’t know because it didn’t happen -except that I do know. And so the battle goes. This weekend I witnessed⁵ some ridiculous behaviour by people. I say people because women are every bit as guilty of bullshit as women are. Yes, I include myself in this. It’s because we don’t know what we want; and if we do know what we want there’s no guarantee that what we want will remain the same for any given length of time.

And to top it off for the most part we are ashamed to admit that we don’t know what we want. Maybe we’re not ashamed; maybe we’re unsure of how to express it; maybe we’re unsure of how it will be received; maybe we don’t even realize that we’re doing someone else’s head in; maybe, maybe, maybe… whatever the reason the truth is that when it comes to emotions and/or sexuality⁶ our brains don’t function quite the same.

Going back to said bullshit, I should probably elaborate for curiousity’s sake but that’s just not how this goes so you’ll have to take my word for it and understand that the main thing is that there was disrespect displayed⁷ displayed in several unrelated scenarios that has compounded and made me question my entire belief system. Maybe I’m speaking too soon⁸ but if this keeps up I may just become a cynic.

I want to try. I want to be stronger than that; I don’t want to give in to the dark side but right now I just don’t think I have enough fight left in me.

I don’t have any questions today⁹.

Footnotes:

1. don’t worry I still do – mostly[↩]
2. once again I say: hence the name fragileheart[↩]
3. and gets it[↩]
4. they call themselves realistic; side note part two: I’m starting to believe them[↩]
5. and unfortunately was party to[↩]
6. as much as we try to convince ourselves, these are not mutually exclusive – try to argue with me all you want you ain’t convincing this chickidee[↩]
7. and that I am, regrettably, not innocent[↩]
8. and heavens-to-Betsy I freakin’ hope so[↩]
9. at least not ones I care to ask here[↩]

Sure, we can be nice to everybody¹ but we can’t be best friends with everybody. At the very least we can’t force being best friends with anyone. Being best friends with someone is something that needs to happen organically² and it has to happen simultaneously for both parties otherwise it’s just creepy for one.

When you meet someone for the first time and you have an instant crush³ on someone and the crush is mutual, it is easy to talk⁴ with each other constantly with gusto. As time passes, you both meet new people and the same crush-like feelings arise and sometimes the feelings for prior crushes can fade away into a more subdued fondness or they can persist⁵. It can be based on something the other person has done, or something you have done or something neither of you had any control over whatsoever.

Whatever the reason for the change, it’s inevitable – we’re human, we have emotions⁶ and they affect our lives⁷. Now, if we were talking about romantic feelings it would be easier⁸ to say, “I’m sorry I don’t think that we’re going to work out” but for some reason the same can’t be used for friendship. We expect everyone to be our friend.

I noticed this even when I was living in Dubai; someone would want to be my friend but for some reason or another, the pull wasn’t as strong for me. Sometimes it was because I already had friends who would take up my time and so getting back to that person was always put on the back burner. And that’s it isn’t it? When the desire isn’t there to get back to someone – is that really something you can control⁹? Having said that, I try my best to get back to everybody – because it’s just disrespectful not to¹⁰ but sometimes… ugh¹¹.

There is this person¹² who I have known since I was some age I can’t even fathom anymore. We used to have daily, marathon conversations on the phone despite having spent all day together with our group of friends at school. The turning point for me will sound trivial, and it even sounds trivial to me now but the fact of the matter is she lost my trust with this behaviour and it has never been the same for me since.

It was about a boy. A shady boy who basically asked each of us out¹³ one after the other. Sure, at the time I had a problem with the fact that she said yes at all but I got over that. What still irks me is that she didn’t talk to me about it. I was still contemplating my answer to him when he asked her out, and without talking to me she said yes. Turns out he broke her heart¹⁴.

After all these years of knowing her¹⁵ I still don’t really know why she has such a problem with having a heartfelt conversation. I don’t know if it’s a fear of confrontation¹⁶ or I don’t know. I say I don’t know because the other option in my head is that she’s not that bright¹⁷ but maybe despite not wanting to be her friend, I still don’t want to think of her that way. It’s not really that important to me anyway as to why she won’t just ask me if anything is wrong.

I have been ignoring her emails, facebook messages and texts to me for a year now. I would say I have solidly ignored them except that every now and then I reply with ‘Sorry, I’m working’ when she invites me out somewhere¹⁸. And yet she continues to send me messages, pretending like nothing is wrong ; fassuming¹⁹ that I simply didn’t get the message because heaven forbid she did something wrong and I might be mad at her.

Except that now, I’m no longer mad. I just don’ t want to hang out. I don’t want to be her friend. I don’t hate her or her husband but I also don’t want to hang out for the sake of the number of years we’ve known each other. I have a hundred other friends who I have known for that long but they don’t try to perpetuate a ‘friendship’ just because of the length of time we have known of each other’s existence.

I don’t think they read this blog or I wouldn’t even be writing here. I realise that there is a chance and I’m taking that risk and if they do read this then this is a very passive aggressive move²⁰ but at this point, it’s just the move I want to make.

How do you say, “Thanks but no thanks?” to friendship?

Footnotes:

1. well, I like being nice to everybody[↩]
2. for lack of a better word; I seem to be using this word a lot lately and it doesn’t quite sit well but I can’t think of an alternative right now[↩]
3. this is not limited to romantic crushes[↩]
4. or tweet, as the case may be[↩]
5. or grow stronger[↩]
6. sorry to those who think you’re immune[↩]
7. some more than others[↩]
8. bear with me here[↩]
9. Sure, the actual *action* you can control, but you can’t control the desire and desire is a powerful thing yo[↩]
10. IMHO[↩]
11. like when someone continually tries to make jokes with you that contain sexual innuendo even though you’ve asked them repeatedly to stop[↩]
12. she used to be a friend[↩]
13. through a mutual friend, we’re talking Dubai in the 90’s here[↩]
14. feel bad for her, I did but it doesn’t help me trust her[↩]
15. Like double digit years[↩]
16. highly likely[↩]
17. at least when it comes to people?[↩]
18. I wasn’t lying either, I had to work some Saturdays during my last job[↩]
19. fake assuming, because again I really don’t think she’s that dumb[↩]
20. but apparently, this is how I roll – I try not to, it’s a work in progress[↩]

(title is taken from Oh, The Guilt by Nirvana)

“You have no reason to feel guilty.” I’ve said it. I’ve heard it. We all have. But if it is being said that means that you do feel guilty and where else would it come from if you didn’t have a reason to feel guilt?

We feel guilt when we do something that we know will hurt someone, but we do it anyway for whatever reason. When we have no reason to feel guilt is when we don’t owe the person the sort of consideration that would prevent us from doing what we want to do. What happens then when you’re the kind of person who believes that we owe everyone consideration? Where do you draw the line and say, “enough, I’m taking this for me. I’m looking after myself for once.”

Will you lose your soul if you do? I am so fortunate to have a large group of friends who have very different points of view on life; friends who live their lives differently from each other and who lead very different lifestyles. They are all always willing to listen to my story or give me advice all without any expectation that their advice is going to be the one that I take.

The truth is I do feel guilty. I feel guilty because I feel like I said to the universe that I was finally, honestly ready to start dating again and I seem to suddenly have more than one suitable person to date. Why does this make me feel guilty? Because I know a lot of great women and I think they deserve to have their pick as much as I do. And yes, I know the response to that is: “But you can’t control other people’s attraction to your friends”. Well, you know what? I wish that I could.

I don’t like being happy when people I care about are unhappy. In fact, when I am unhappy and I hear some great news from my friends it lifts my spirits because all I ever need to see are the people I care about be happy and all my problems don’t even matter. My problems are my own and I have control over them so I don’t fret too much about them; but when my people are unhappy and I can’t control the outcome it just kills me.

I know I need to look after me. But how do I just turn off wanting my friends to be happy even if it is at the expense of my own happiness? Especially when I don’t even know if this is really what’s going to make me happy? So I guess I have to live with this guilt for a little while. My gut is telling me to ride this one out and it’s telling me to be patient for once in my life.

Most importantly, it’s telling me to just be honest as ashamed of my truths as I may be sometimes.

Here goes nothing.

I find it fascinating that I used to have such a hard time relating to other girls. And now, I find it hard to relate to boys¹. I haven’t been able to figure out when it happened or if it was even an over night change but I do like it. Women may be crazy² but they³ are simply amazing creatures too.

I think that everything happens for a reason, and I think the reason I had a hard time relating to girls when I was younger was because I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate it as much. I was a cocky little shit when I was younger, and life didn’t help the matter because I was pretty lucky and it seemed to make me take things for granted. Not on purpose. And I always thought that I was pretty aware and self-aware; but in hindsight, there are a lot of things that I didn’t appreciate enough to remember.

When I started reconnecting⁴ with people I went to high school in Dubai with, they started recanting events that I only remembered based on pictures I remember seeing. I also noticed that they all seemed to have stayed in touch with each other and some were still best friends. And it made me realise that I was not as smart as I used to think I was. I’m so much more aware now; aware of all the things I don’t know anything about. And it forces me to pay attention to the way I say things, the way what I do or say might affect someone else.

But I digress, I used to take for granted how important it was to have close girlfriends; to have the same kind of bond I was looking for with a significant other, but with someone of the same sex⁵. I am so grateful that I didn’t live my entire life not knowing this kind of bond. And nowadays, I get to bond and hang out with more than a handful of really awesome women. It is just one of the things I am really thankful for this Thanksgiving.

I am especially thankful for girls like CN, HM, Heather, Christine, Dez, VM, SG, AS, JZ and IMS. I’m also thankful for the wonderful ladies I have gotten to know lately via twitter. I am still getting to know you but I have loved every minute of it so far. You all make me want to dance like nobody’s watching.

What are you thankful for?

Update: I am a jerk and forgot my wonderful Niya⁶!

Footnotes:

1. men, whatever[↩]
2. I’m sorry ladies, but let’s call a spade a spade[↩]
3. I suppose I should say we, huh?[↩]
4. thanks to facebook[↩]
5. and I don’t mean in the Lesbian way – pervert ;P[↩]
6. to top it off I know she won’t mind because she’s just that amazing[↩]

It’s funny how you can form a bond with some people in a nano-second. Suddenly, there is this understanding; unspoken and raw. I met Christine Estima in March of this year when a dear mutual friend hosted an Oscar party. In all honesty, I was a little scared. She was animated, loud and also live-tweeting the show. I had seen it done but never in person. It was interesting to say the least¹. But despite that, there was something about her that drew me in; I’m certain it had something to do with mirrors in her eyes looking back at me. Over the last few months, we have shared many talks about many things² and today I got to witness her brilliant mind in action³.

We sat in the Rearview Mirror in Kensington waiting for the actors, script in hand, to start the reading of The Spadina Monologues. It was fitting that it was raining outside as the director broke the almost-silence with the opening lines. Over two dozen people came out to show their support and you could feel the love in the room. As I sat and listened to the banter that was difficult to separate from a conversation I imagine Christine to have with herself I couldn’t help but think about some of my own experiences.

These thoughts were further fueled by later conversation with vlogging superstar Sean Ward as we shot the shit after the show. I wish it were easier to explain how some people just feel comfortable, and some don’t. This lack of comfort doesn’t make either party any less of a person. But somehow it’s hard to express this to someone. It’s hard to say and it is hard to have someone say to you that they aren’t comfortable conversing with you. Beyond conversation, some people are just easy to be around -whether you spend most of the time in silence, simply enjoying their⁴ aura.

As the perfect example, some people have described me as being brash, blunt or curt⁵ while others have described me as being warm, caring and charming. I’m certain I’m all those things depending on the situation and those surrounding me. I don’t try extra hard to be anything⁶ but some people can bring out the worst in you. Some people bring out the best in you too. But don’t ever forget that it is a two way street -sometimes you can bring the worst out in someone, and sometimes you can bring out the best in someone. It doesn’t make you a bad person; just incompatible with that other person.

Having said all that, there are some people who are just evil -they do not fall under the category of person of which I have just written about. I may or may not write about them in the future.

Do I have a suggestion to fix this? Not yet. Maybe one day though. Maybe one day.

Footnotes:

1. Oh how different my view is now[↩]
2. yes, mostly mencapades[↩]
3. so to speak[↩]
4. for lack of a better word[↩]
5. no, that doesn’t say cunt though that word has sadly been used on me too[↩]
6. other than positive[↩]