fragileheart's journal

(title is taken from Oh, The Guilt by Nirvana)

“You have no reason to feel guilty.” I’ve said it. I’ve heard it. We all have. But if it is being said that means that you do feel guilty and where else would it come from if you didn’t have a reason to feel guilt?

We feel guilt when we do something that we know will hurt someone, but we do it anyway for whatever reason. When we have no reason to feel guilt is when we don’t owe the person the sort of consideration that would prevent us from doing what we want to do. What happens then when you’re the kind of person who believes that we owe everyone consideration? Where do you draw the line and say, “enough, I’m taking this for me. I’m looking after myself for once.”

Will you lose your soul if you do? I am so fortunate to have a large group of friends who have very different points of view on life; friends who live their lives differently from each other and who lead very different lifestyles. They are all always willing to listen to my story or give me advice all without any expectation that their advice is going to be the one that I take.

The truth is I do feel guilty. I feel guilty because I feel like I said to the universe that I was finally, honestly ready to start dating again and I seem to suddenly have more than one suitable person to date. Why does this make me feel guilty? Because I know a lot of great women and I think they deserve to have their pick as much as I do. And yes, I know the response to that is: “But you can’t control other people’s attraction to your friends”. Well, you know what? I wish that I could.

I don’t like being happy when people I care about are unhappy. In fact, when I am unhappy and I hear some great news from my friends it lifts my spirits because all I ever need to see are the people I care about be happy and all my problems don’t even matter. My problems are my own and I have control over them so I don’t fret too much about them; but when my people are unhappy and I can’t control the outcome it just kills me.

I know I need to look after me. But how do I just turn off wanting my friends to be happy even if it is at the expense of my own happiness? Especially when I don’t even know if this is really what’s going to make me happy? So I guess I have to live with this guilt for a little while. My gut is telling me to ride this one out and it’s telling me to be patient for once in my life.

Most importantly, it’s telling me to just be honest as ashamed of my truths as I may be sometimes.

Here goes nothing.

I am an impulse shopper¹. I am the sort of person who advertising works on. But as I was walking around Kensignton Market yesterday, I managed to turn down a cheap pair of shoes even though I have been looking for that particular colour and style for quite some time. Having to turn down shoes is no tragedy in the grand scheme of life; of the universe. But it says a lot about my own personal growth.

If you asked my then boyfriend, Bradley², he would tell you that I was the worst. Of course, when we were dating I was still living at my parents house³ and I was horrendous for coming home with a new not-so-necessary purchase. Even if you asked my most recent ex, Dexter⁴, he would probably tell you the same thing. But do me a favour and don’t ask either of them because if you asked either of them anything about me they might just go on a rant. But if you really want to hear the other side, go ahead if you can figure out who they really are⁵.

Getting back on track, I’m fascinated by how much I’ve changed and how I can understand why some people from my past could have taken a dislike to me. Don’t misunderstand, it’s not that I don’t think it’s possible to dislike me – I mean you can’t please everyone – but I had never done anything to these people. But if there’s one thing I’m learning from interacting with people from so many walks of life on twitter is that when someone dislikes you despite the fact that you have never done anything to harm them, it is usually more about them than it is about you. So the best thing you could do is respect their wishes and stay away.

Of course, it’s unfortunate when the person who takes a dislike to you is actually someone you really like and wish so-hardcore that they would like you back. It would be so easy to return the hate but we all know that your hatred is coming from bitterness; from a place near, if not of vengeance. So let it go. Let it go and know that if someone is going to disregard you because of something you said or did without talking to you about it, like an adult; without trying to understand your side of the story – then you are better off without them.

I think one of the things about being single for this long⁶ that I have to look at as being a silver lining is that I am really getting to analyse⁷ all the things about my exes that made me unhappy. In turn of course, I am realising all the things about those relationships that I loved. I know that this is probably the point of staying single but I had never done it before. As someone coined me recently, I was a serial relationship-ist⁸.

But I am realising that I shouldn’t have been in half of those relationships⁹. Now that I have this time to reflect without the distraction of another infatuation or love-interest, it appears I may have been on the rebound from Franz¹⁰. I am no therapist or psychologist but I seem to have good instincts and they are telling me this. What if the reason I have always been so quick to fall in love is because I have done nothing but try to recreate what I had with Franz? And after 15 years of trying and failing, I just ‘lost the plot’¹¹ and ended up needing to cheat? Alternatively, the thought that I am just not capable of being in a monogamous relationship also crosses my mind but I think I should save those thoughts for another blog post.

What if. Whatevs. I don’t regret. Everything happens for a reason – even actions/reactions of mine that make me feel like a right asshole can have a good outcome so long as you make it right.

Patience. It’s a hard lesson to learn but I am learning it. I have faith that it will pay off because the way I have been living my life prior to this¹² hasn’t paid off thus far.

I have been pretty bad with questions of late, but please feel free to share any stories you may have.

Footnotes:

1. to say the least[↩]
2. name has been changed to protect the innocent[↩]
3. we both were actually; me with mine, he with his[↩]
4. name has so been changed; yes this is the Irish guy[↩]
5. ha![↩]
6. without even so much as a serious crush[↩]
7. maybe over analyse?[↩]
8. Though I don’t think those are the actual words he used[↩]
9. Not that I don’t treasure the experience of each one, because I do[↩]
10. my first love, this is also not his real name[↩]
11. for lack of a better phrase[↩]
12. i.e. without patience[↩]

Whenever something doesn’t turn out the way I expected it to; I try not to wallow in self pity or get angry or allow myself to spend too much time with any negative emotions. I’m not afraid of them, I just think it’s a waste of time and energy. I understand that these negative emotions are a part of human nature, they’re inevitable. I don’t try to fight them, I just don’t want them taking over my life. When I was a child, and then a tween and finally a teen and even when I was a young adult – I let it take over my life all the time. I had such a short fuse, it was a wonder I never ran out of fuses and just stayed blown out.

There was no exact moment that made it change. But there were obvious factors. One was the Irish boy, and being in Ireland all together. I never quite understood it because he had a very short fuze himself¹ but he had a way of calming me down. Despite all of our differences and problems, he centered me in a way I still can’t explain. Maybe that’s why I was so in love with him or maybe because I was so in love with him he centered me. I’ll never know and I’m ok with that. Either way, I’m grateful to have known him and grateful to have had a chance to live in Dublin where I learned to relax². Without this ability, I may not be half as happy as I am these days.

Speaking of moving countries that helped in my personal development: I lived in Dubai from age 4 to 16. I went to a Private school. A Private Catholic school. In a muslim country. Can you say repressed? I wasn’t allowed to. So what did I do? I hiked up my skirt³ and unbuttoned my blouse too low. I skipped classes and talked to all the boys and got C’s and D’s in everything but English & Art. I was on the fast track to becoming someone’s baby mama; ok maybe not. I only ever slept with one person while I was there, and he was my first love. But miraculously when we moved to Canada I was reborn. It was as-if passing over the Atlantic Ocean erased everything and gave me new life. I got As. I got involved in school. I uh.. was prom queen⁴. Needless to say, I am thankful that my parents moved us from Dubai to Toronto⁵.

Broken hearts. I’ve had my share of broken hearts and I’ve dealt my fair share as well. You don’t take on a moniker like ‘fragileheart’ without knowing a thing or two about fragile hearts. The most recent broken heart and the one that seems to really have turned my world upside down in a way I never imagined anything could, was an unexpected mind-fuck. I let my guard down to the one person I really shouldn’t have. I had been so wary of openly trusting someone with my heart since my first love. But he got me at the right time; I had just broken the heart of someone I loved more than anything in the world⁶ and was in a foolish mood to throw caution to the wind. So throw I did.

And advantage, he did take. I don’t blame him though. I am my own person. I let him in and I he walked away with a lot more than just my ability to trust. But I am still thankful for the experience because it is the hardest lesson I have yet to learn in this seemingly hap-hazard, carefree life I have led to date. I have since learnt to slow down and it would appear that it is just in the nick of time. I’m finally learning to be on my own; I am learning to be more independent than I was before but simultaneously learning how to treasure girlfriends. So I’m thankful that I met him. Mind you, I’m also thankful that I no longer have him in my life but that’s neither here nor there⁷

Everything happens for a reason. These are only some of examples from my life that I truly am thankful for. It goes without saying that I am grateful for my family. I don’t know what I would do without my Dad, Mum & brother but that’s a whole other post and I think I’m going to save that for next year⁸.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Footnotes:

1. two short fuzes, and we wondered why we fought so much?[↩]
2. and not be so anal, so ‘Monica’[↩]
3. a little more, show your world to me[↩]
4. I’m not *always* proud to admit this one[↩]
5. not just Canada[↩]
6. despite all our differences – The Irish boy; though he’d never believe these words[↩]
7. it’s somewhere else? ;P[↩]
8. my 30th thanksgiving[↩]

I had heard about Daniel Stolfi from my good friends over at Riverlife Productions last year but I had not been able to catch his show until this week. Dan is extremely charming, engaging and very easy to watch & listen to. Sadly, some of what he covered in his show were not new to me; my Grandfather died of Prostate Cancer and I have met and continue to meet people who have been affected by this horrible disease every year that I volunteer at the Terry Fox Run¹; What was refreshing was his candor.

In the past, when I have spoken to people about their experience with Cancer, they prefer to talk about how the experience changed them. They don’t want to talk about their hardship in detail. But I think that sometimes talking about the negative experiences can help others learn before they have to go through it themselves. And as Dan ran through the parts of himself that he loved and lost², I couldn’t help but wonder if I would be able to be as strong. But Dan is, strong enough to turn his hardest moments into something entertaining for people to watch yet still deals with some very hard moments. Even as I read the synopsis on his website for the first time last year, despite all my³ experience, I was taken aback at the thought of having to deal with the loss of five⁴ of my most treasured activities. I’m sure once you see the show, you’ll be thanking your lucky stars too that he made it through to show us all a thing or two about courage.

Hilarious but poignant, I couldn’t help but fall a little bit for this talented Canadian-born, Italian Actor & Comedian who is making sure cancer knows he has not only won the fight, but he’ll continue to win it. I am so glad I was able to catch a performance of ‘Cancer Can’t Dance Like This‘, and if you haven’t already you should go to eventbrite now to buy your tickets! The show has been running and is playing at the Pia Bouman Theatre (6 Noble St) tonight at 8:30pm, Saturday⁵ at 2:30 pm & at 8:30 pm!

Footnotes:

1. since 2002[↩]
2. and still continue to fight to get back[↩]
3. so-called[↩]
4. FIVE[↩]
5. that’s tomorrow[↩]

Just because everybody needs somebody sometimes, that doesn’t mean I can’t wait for the right person. The person who feels the most right. The person who won’t make me feel like I’m doing something wrong¹ because he understands me so well that even when he’s trying to get me to see that I may be mistaken he doesn’t need to make me feel small. Maybe I’m expecting too much, but aren’t we told to set high goals and then exceed them²?

Deciding to take the time to heal on my own is a decision I made after the last time I blindly trusted someone with my heart. No regrets, but the truth is that I blindly trusted someone who happened to be the worst and most callous person to trust. I’m healing from it but I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything else. I have always relied on new relationships to heal me; but what I’m³ learning now is that I never fully healed from the first broken heart. It’s time to change that.

On March 1st, 2010 I declared a New Year for myself. A fresh start. And on that New Year’s day, I promised myself that I would focus on the two things I had never focused on: friends and my career. Boys, for once, are going to come last. This is not going to be easy, but I’ve lasted this long. I got a little distracted by all the hoopla of meeting such new, exciting and wonderful people and by the idea that I was ready to start dating. But in all honesty, I am not ready. My heart isn’t ready and I need to be aware of that.

I needed the personal New Year since I had missed out on the regular New Year. I was too wrapped up in the combination of whatever the fuck I had let myself get into prior to the holidays. I was a tangle of mess of missing the Irish boy and his family⁴, and the mess that the Musician dude was putting me through⁵… not to mention trying to figure out why on earth I even allowed myself to fall for the high school infatuation’s charms in the first place. Oh yeah, it was a mess and it was not a hot one at that.

Maybe I’m running away. Maybe I’m doing exactly what I need to. Until the other important things in my life get to where they need to be first, I’m not about to try and figure it out. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m perfectly lonely and lonely doesn’t have to be a negative word.

Footnotes:

1. ever[↩]
2. if we want the best[↩]
3. slowly[↩]
4. who I had seen for the holidays for every year for the past 5 years prior to last year[↩]
5. wether it be on purpose or not, I care not to think about[↩]