It’s been a while since I’ve fallen in love1 and the other day I missed the feeling. There is something so distinct about that feeling; like the warmest of hugs on a cold day, hugging you inside and out2.
The butterflies in your stomach3, the skip in your step, the ridiculous smile on your face, the feeling like you want to cry but laugh at the same time, the weight you no longer feel on your shoulders and -yes- even the tingle in your nether-regions that you feel when you think about that person or get a message from them.
The fall is different each time of course. Sometimes the fall is shallow4 and sometimes it runs so deep it makes you want to move mountains5. A fall doesn’t always mean you’re going to fall in love. But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the fall either. It’s nice to allow yourself to get excited about getting a message or call from someone who stirs the butterflies but so many of us get so jaded by each time we’ve been hurt. You are missing out by focusing on the negative.
I have been lucky in this life. Lucky enough to have been able to have fallen in love and in-infatuation many times and yes I’ve also had my share of heartbreak6 but each of those experiences has allowed me to appreciate the next fall that much more. I am a bit worried now, as I get older that I’m out of falls but then again after the most7 recent heartbreak8 maybe I’m coming up on my biggest fall yet9.
How do you feel about ‘the fall’?
Footnotes:
don’t feel bad for me, I’ve been lucky enough to fall many, many times in my life already[↩]
ok that could give some of you a really awkward image but let’s just go with it ok?[↩]
that bring a smile to your face – because there are the other kind of butterflies as well.. but we’ll talk about that another time[↩]
Someone asked me recently whether I would consider changing my name from fragileheart, because he thought I was a pretty strong person. I argued that I could never do that because I am so fond of and attached to the name that I enjoy it when people call me fragile instead of my real name1.
My heart has been through a lot; I have put my heart through a lot. It’s a risk you take by wearing your heart on your sleeve and refusing to fall in love in any other fashion other than all-the-way. I have had a lot of amazing relationships and experiences because of it and I wouldn’t change a single thing. You would think that with all this ‘experience’ that my heart would no longer be fragile but the truth is, it is.
It isn’t fragile because I’m afraid to show my feelings, it isn’t fragile because I’m afraid to let it break. It’s fragile because I don’t think I have anything to offer when I’m in a relationship. I don’t know why. I have never tried to figure it out. I’ve been too busy jumping from one relationship to the next. Maybe it’s about time I start. Maybe then I can stop jerking people around, and actually give the next relationship a shot.
It’s been hard to write here in the last little while because this blog is tied to twitter and I have been immersed into the Toronto twitter community and some people might get hurt by what I want to write about. It sucks but such is life. At least nowadays I know that people read the blog. Seven years ago I was oblivious2 and I hurt people by writing about what I wanted to write about and ended up having to shut down the blog to appease my then boyfriend.
It’s sacrifices like that that make me wonder whether I am too nice or I’m too nice because I don’t think I have anything to offer. I wish there were more time in a day to therapeutically go through all the thoughts that enter my head. I have so much work to do in a lot of aspects of my life. I’ve always had a lot of fight in me but every now and then, I want to quit before I even get into the ring3.
But for now, I’m going to have to mend this slightly bruised fragile heart of mine and I plan to do with a lot of dancing and physical activity4. Who’s in?
Footnotes:
though I wouldn’t want people to only call me fragile either[↩]
Oh Valentine’s Day. The last of the holidays that could make you feel like absolute crap if you let it. There is no wonder that March 1st 2009 was like my own personal New Year.
Love; companionship; having someone understand you; having someone who wants you around or thinks about you all the time. Some of these could be argued to be dependence rather than love.. I’m not interested in hashing out that debate.
Being “in love” and having the butterflies in your stomach that make you smile when the rest of your day or world seems like hell. Love is a drug. And like any drug it can be addictive. It’s effect also fades over time as your body becomes accustomed to having the flowing through your blood stream. How do you keep it alive? There is no easy answer; each couple or situation will have a different solution that will work for them. There is no easy formula.
On the eve of this feel-good holiday I find myself having a weak moment. I’ll be honest and say that I miss having someone make a romantic gesture to get my attention. Being single and having my independence is great but I’ll be honest that all these valentine’s day themed shows and whatever else have me missing being the metaphorical apple of someone’s eye1.
What it boils down to is that I am a hopeless romantic and with all that I’ve gone through in the last six years, it’s going to take a hell of a lot more than… well.. just a lot more that it used to. Not that I’m about to change my name or anything but I think this fragile heart just got a bit harder2.
How does Valentine’s Day make you feel? Does it make you feel every bit as hopeful as this video below? Or does it make you want to hurt people?
Footnotes:
No need to feel bad for me though k? I’m just being honest about my feelings. I’ll be over it before this post publishes[↩]
don’t worry, this hopeless romantic still believes that there will be a happily ever after out there for me[↩]
I have always maintained that everyone deserves love1 but I am suddenly finding myself leaning towards the cynical side of life philosophy these days. It’s unnerving but also difficult to shake. I’ve had a lot of bad shit happen to me2 but I have always been able to bounce back into hope. Hope that things will always get better; hope that things always work out for a reason; hope that if you want something bad enough you’ll get it; hope that everyone deserves the best3.
Cynics4 would call me naive in thinking all that but all the ‘pain’ I’ve experienced in my life has been accompanied by amazing life lessons, experiences and memories that I would not trade for anything -no, not even a happy ending. Why? Because who’s to say what happy ending that would have been, and who’s to say it would have actually lasted? I almost had my so-called happy ending, at least according to some, but it didn’t happen because it wasn’t right for me.
Hope would have me believe that the reason it didn’t happen was precisely because it wasn’t right for me; this other side that is creeping into my life philosophy is telling me that I wouldn’t know because it didn’t happen -except that I do know. And so the battle goes. This weekend I witnessed5 some ridiculous behaviour by people. I say people because women are every bit as guilty of bullshit as women are. Yes, I include myself in this. It’s because we don’t know what we want; and if we do know what we want there’s no guarantee that what we want will remain the same for any given length of time.
And to top it off for the most part we are ashamed to admit that we don’t know what we want. Maybe we’re not ashamed; maybe we’re unsure of how to express it; maybe we’re unsure of how it will be received; maybe we don’t even realize that we’re doing someone else’s head in; maybe, maybe, maybe… whatever the reason the truth is that when it comes to emotions and/or sexuality6 our brains don’t function quite the same.
Going back to said bullshit, I should probably elaborate for curiousity’s sake but that’s just not how this goes so you’ll have to take my word for it and understand that the main thing is that there was disrespect displayed7 displayed in several unrelated scenarios that has compounded and made me question my entire belief system. Maybe I’m speaking too soon8 but if this keeps up I may just become a cynic.
I want to try. I want to be stronger than that; I don’t want to give in to the dark side but right now I just don’t think I have enough fight left in me.
This time last year my family and I were in Niagara Falls. We had booked two hotel rooms1 and were there just to go on a trip. It’s my brother’s birthday on Christmas Eve so we try to do something extra special for him every year to make up for the seemingly lack of presents2.
This year we were going to drive over to NYC but then there was an unexpected changes that have prevented us from doing so. Thankfully the withdrawals are a little easier to handle this year. What withdrawals you ask? Allow me to tell you… In 2004, I met, started dating and fell in love with an Irish boy. So much so that Christmas that year I impulsively3 booked a trip to be with him. Even though we broke up in 2005, my delusional love led me to booking another trip out there during the holidays. I would then spend two more Christmasses there after my move in 2006. That’s 4 years of Christmasses spent with some of the most amazingly cheerful, warm and loving people I have ever had the pleasure of spending time with.
People from Toronto are certainly comparable in kindness but there is a certain unspoken understanding by everyone I encountered who loved the season4. There is nothing wrong with the fact that in Toronto there are people who won’t embrace the fact that some people will need to close up shop and celebrate family, love and togetherness5.
In fact, it’s part of what makes Toronto so great: the multiculturalism. It just means that I am going to have to try harder at channelling the same love, acceptance and understanding that I saw in Dublin to those who may not necessarily accept this holiday for what it is. I only hope that you join me in doing the same because whatever the reason the holiday was created – don’t we all need more days where we focus on loving, understanding and accepting one another for all the differences we have?
So my wish for this Christmas is this: Whether or not you believe in Jesus Christ6 just let others be who they want to be and do what they want to do. Unless of course what they want to do is hurt, maim or kill you… then uhm… RUN!
One last thing before I go, I’d like to make a special shout out to my brother: who celebrated his birthday on Christmas Eve7. Sure we make fun of him for being lazy, and for being a computer-game-playing bum but he is a kind, smart, gentle soul and I wish that he gets all that his heart desires8.
And a special thanks to all of you who continue to visit and read despite some serious lack of updates from me. It means the world to me that you enjoy reading my ramblings that I mostly write for self-therapy. Thank you and I wish you lots of love and laughter during this Holiday season.
What is your wish this Christmas?
Footnotes:
one for my parents and one for my brother, cousin and I[↩]
