Just because everybody needs somebody sometimes, that doesn’t mean I can’t wait for the right person. The person who feels the most right. The person who won’t make me feel like I’m doing something wrong1 because he understands me so well that even when he’s trying to get me to see that I may be mistaken he doesn’t need to make me feel small. Maybe I’m expecting too much, but aren’t we told to set high goals and then exceed them2?
Deciding to take the time to heal on my own is a decision I made after the last time I blindly trusted someone with my heart. No regrets, but the truth is that I blindly trusted someone who happened to be the worst and most callous person to trust. I’m healing from it but I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything else. I have always relied on new relationships to heal me; but what I’m3 learning now is that I never fully healed from the first broken heart. It’s time to change that.
On March 1st, 2010 I declared a New Year for myself. A fresh start. And on that New Year’s day, I promised myself that I would focus on the two things I had never focused on: friends and my career. Boys, for once, are going to come last. This is not going to be easy, but I’ve lasted this long. I got a little distracted by all the hoopla of meeting such new, exciting and wonderful people and by the idea that I was ready to start dating. But in all honesty, I am not ready. My heart isn’t ready and I need to be aware of that.
I needed the personal New Year since I had missed out on the regular New Year. I was too wrapped up in the combination of whatever the fuck I had let myself get into prior to the holidays. I was a tangle of mess of missing the Irish boy and his family4, and the mess that the Musician dude was putting me through5… not to mention trying to figure out why on earth I even allowed myself to fall for the high school infatuation’s charms in the first place. Oh yeah, it was a mess and it was not a hot one at that.
Maybe I’m running away. Maybe I’m doing exactly what I need to. Until the other important things in my life get to where they need to be first, I’m not about to try and figure it out. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m perfectly lonely and lonely doesn’t have to be a negative word.