Torn and indecisive

No, not the song by Natalie Imbruglia. I want to completely dismiss someone. But dismissing them is tied to disregarding the instincts of someone I care about a whole heck of a lot. She is such a smart, caring, intuitive person but this person I want to dismiss has a certain power over people. And maybe it’s my way of coping of being without him but there has to be truth to what DG has said; partially because DG has no reason to lie to me and also because DG has a freakin’ degree in psych.

He1 tried to tell me a little while ago that he didn’t betray my trust as much as I seem to think. How easy is it to say that? I could’ve said that to him2, but guess what I know better than that. I know that means nothing unless you are willing to back that statement up with facts and the fact is – there is NOTHING that can explain what happened. There are no excuses for what I know to be true. I just wish he would give it up.

I don’t understand how someone gets so wrapped up in their lying lives that they can’t ever fathom telling someone the truth; and then to insist that they have always been honest? Though I suppose honesty and truth aren’t always served on the same platter. Someone can be honest, and not reveal the truth. Honesty is related more to feelings; and truth to facts. And maybe the reason I just can’t trust a single word that comes out of his mouth3 is that I don’t think he has ever offered me an ounce of truth.

I know it sounds like I’ve made a decision despite the title of this post… but the truth is, I ain’t no where near it. I love this girl who seems to believe in this dude… but unless this dude is actually willing to take responsibility for anything he’s done4, I sincerely doubt I will ever trust anything related to him every again. Ugh. Even writing this post makes me just a tad upset; that he still has this effect on me to make me write about him like this. But this is my reality, and I just have to face it.

Leave me be, set me free. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Footnotes:
  1. the person in question[]
  2. the Irish boy[]
  3. or thumbs, or fingers[]
  4. and even then, who’s to say I will actually feel any different[]

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